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God Provides

My dad wrote me an encouraging letter and handed it to me today. Sometimes my dad writes me letters…I needed the words that my father penned today.

God always provides.

Sometimes I really don’t appreciate God’s provision as much as I should.  I have misinterpreted it in the past…and overlooked it.   Yesterday I had the opportunity to stand in a park and soak in a love song from God.  As I meandered in the grass, His promises poured into the empty spaces of my heart.

And then it occurred to me that my panic had disappeared.  Since my initial panic attack on November 14th last year, I have struggled daily with panic…stress-induced asthma.  It has crippled my singing (which is partly why I’ve been taking break from giving concerts).  Such a nuisance it has been, and I have been working through it all these months with prayer and petition and “stress-relief”.   And then all of the sudden, the panic was gone.  Completely.  Two days ago.

And I only realized it yesterday at the park, with tears streaming down my face.

On top of that, yesterday morning I woke up without a dream in my head.  The same this morning.  Praise God!!!!!!!!  I cannot even begin to explain to you how much of a relief this is!  I know it has only been two days, and I do not know what triggered the release.   I’m just so thankful!  These two days are the first days since November that I’ve woken up without a nightmare/dream.  Wow.

God provides in ways we may not always expect or in the timing we hope for, but His way is always SOOOO  much better than anything I could have ever anticipated.  I am trusting Him for a job…for my future.  It is such a joy to honor Him with my everyday.

Lamentations

Can I take a moment to be really vulnerable and honest? I may regret this tomorrow….

I feel like I don’t belong anywhere.   It’s really starting to bother me.  Almost all my friends that are around my age are married and most have kids or are planning kids.  They are kinda bound by their families…can’t run off on the fly.  And I feel stupid around them…like, I seriously can’t relate at all.  I still feel 21.  I feel like everyone around my age are a generation ahead of me.

The rest of my friends are much younger than me…and I’m pretty sure they are uber-supportive, but they have no way of truly empathizing.  They haven’t lived long enough.  And usually they just make a joke out of my situation, for which I laugh along.  But honestly, it hurts.  Deeply.

So, I’m really lonely.  Feeling guilty for not being content…b/c I’m truly blessed beyond measure.  But this is so confusing.  And my biggest fear is that this is all there is, this great big circle and the haunting of my past relationships….that I will be forever fighting off this feeling of inadequacy, of not being good enough.  I don’t understand why all the men in my life have loved me, yet preferred well….something that will never fulfill their need.  Not that I ever could, for that I always knew.  But to be told you are loved more than his own life, while at the same time told it’s not your fault that it can never be….UGH!   How could that NOT make you feel worthless?  I don’t care WHAT the situation is.

And after years and years of prayer and petition and giving everything up to God, I think I’m going insane.  I FEEL like I’m going insane.  God would not torture me this way–I know this is a continual attack on my spirit from the devil…but I’m seriously sick of having to push it off.  And I don’t know what else to do other than what I’ve been doing living for Jesus.

I’m just praying God hasn’t forgotten me. He knows my heart, my longings, this terrible loneliness.  I just hope He has something for me that will make all this heartache worth it…or at least make it leave forever.  God, please don’t forget me.

Jesus Is…

Today I woke up to another nightmare.  For months now I’ve been waking up in the middle of horrific dreams, and I feel like I never sleep.  The dreams are stressful…so much so that when I wake up I cannot breathe, and my arms and legs are in pain from the tension. So I allowed myself a real day of rest on this Sunday and am spending the morning at home with my Abba.

Last night at the Union Cross Cafe, I was blown away by the music.  I am so proud of my brother and his band…and my dear friend Tara Jackson.  I really hope that the music and fellowship was as uplifting to everyone else there as it was to me.  It is so good to gather together and celebrate our Saviour.

Tara said something last night..about the world having a spirit of discouragment right now…do you sense it too?  The war between our Creator and the Enemy seems to be heightened right now.  Between heartache and financial stress, it almost seems like God’s children are being attacked.  They probably are.  Someone said in young adults a couple weeks ago that Satan is trying to suck out all the hope in the world, and how appropriate that he would target the people that know of the only true Hope.  Not that they are the only ones targeted, by any means.  But the numbers in my church out of work and hurting are staggering.

They probably are in yours too.

I myself am fighting discouragment.  A day hasn’t gone by lately where I haven’t been tempted to give up (especially on myself).   I have been tempted to dwell on superficial things…things that will not matter in the course of  my life.  Seems like the devil likes to make us feel worthless often.  Sure does break one’s spirit.  So it’s good to remember that my worth is in Christ…not in the world or how the world views me. I have purpose in and because of Him.

So, thought I’d make a list of who Jesus is to me.  Jesus is:

• my comforter
• alive!
• forgiveness
• my best friend
• the one who gave me a reason to really live
• my sustainer
• grace, breathtaking  grace
• the one who fights for me
• tenderhearted
• my cheerleader
• the way, the truth and the life…the ONLY way to have a forever with our Creator
• my hero
• so loving
• compassion, gut-wrenching full of compassion
• my shield
• my joy
• the one who took my place of death and shame … the one who got what I deserved
• the one who thought I was worth dying for
• my hope

And even though we do not know what tomorrow brings, the victory is already His!  “Today has enough worry for itself.”  I know that tomorrow is God’s.  I know that God loved us so much that He sacrificed His son..His own flesh…so that we’d have eternity with Him.

This is a love like I have never known.

Hallelujah!

So cool!

My buddy Scott Johnson took part in the AMTC (Actors, models and talent competition), and this is the video of his performance.
Last fall, he and his band performed at the October Union Cross Cafe…they were great!

Catch more of them at his myspace page!

Unemployment Support Group at CWC

My church, Christ Wesleyan Church, is starting something this week.  Tuesday mornings at 9 am, the Hospitality Room will be open for an Unemployment Support Group.  We will start off with prayer….so necessary as we need to come before our Father and give Him everything.  So many of us are in need.  So many are hurting financially with the economy the way it is.  But, God is bigger!

After prayer, breakfast will be provided.  We will have free wireless internet provided for your laptops, information on unemployment and networking, as well as websites to frequent in efforts to acquire employment.

Overall, this will be an informal group.  It is difficult to get and remain motivated everyday to go through the repetitious application processes.  We hope that this will be be a motivation and encouragement.  If you are unemployed, you know you are not alone!  And, CWC wants to help.

Tuesday mornings at 9 am…bring your laptop….bring your ideas….come as you are! We will get through this together with the Lord by our side!

Art Show at Port City Java, ft. Joseph Tatum

Photography by Joseph Tatum

My distant cousin and friend, Joseph Tatum, will be presenting some of photography this Saturday at Port City Java in Greensboro, NC to sell.

Go HERE to check out more info!

Fairytale Squash

What is your favorite fairytale? I saw a post by Brody Harper recently, who asked about that.  Also, an article about the new movie “Coraline”, mentions Disney fairytales.  It made me think about my own favorite fairytale, and why I chose it.

As a child and teen, my favorite was indeed Beauty and the Beast (Disney’s version).  I could relate to Beauty’s obsession with books.  And for some reason, I thought the idea of seeing the heart of the Beast was really incredible.  And I loved the music.  I really did. 

And I have always despised pompus, vain, winning-obsessed men.  Gaston would have gotten the same treatment, with more ‘umph’, from me as he did with Belle.

Last year, I fell in love with Penelope.  Oddly, not too dissimilar  a story line from Beauty and the Beast.  It’s just flip-flopped a little.  But, still, she loves a man who has his demons.  And who rids himself of them.  And not for her.  For himself. 

And now I am admitting to all of blog-world my newest obsession: the Twilight saga.  I read those books in 4 days.  Again, a book-obsessed girl grows to love a beast of a man…seeing the heart of him even though the shell is a bit dangerous. Well, VERY dangerous. 

Indeed, I’m a Twilighter.  Hardcore. 

And I’m Team Edward.  Just so ya know.

My Honest Testimony

Last week at young adults Bible study, we dove into a discussion on being genuine and open with people.  Basically, we were tackling the “mask trend”.  Especially in regards to the church. 

It’s easy to do.  Sometimes we don’t bite our tongues when we should.  But many times we do just as much damage by our silence.  And sometimes we outright lie.  Perhaps it is our pride.  It probably is, actually!   And maybe it is something much more…maybe the pain of sharing it and expressing the truth is too scary.

I think our culture feeds it.  “Image” is everything.  And along with that, there is such a lack of grace extended from the masses…in the media and even in the church.  Kind of ridiculous, isn’t it?   It is by GRACE we are saved, yet we sometimes live like we deserved it.  And then we don’t even bother to share it.  Shame on us. 

Shame on me.

When you are in a position of leadership, that mask is harder to take off.  We creatures have this instinct to discount everything from people if they fall from the pedestal we have them on.  I suppose the bigger problem is that we place people on the pedestals in the first place.  It certainly makes genuine leadership a challenge. Maybe it’s b/c so many in leadership throughout history have set the trend of wearing that “ image.”  Whatever it is, it is destructive.

I have not always guarded my tongue when I should have.  Sometimes carrying something so long causes explosions along the way.  I am a protector…and I have taken the road of silence more often than not, thinking “no one could understand.” 

I was wrong.  I have never met someone who has ever traveled the same road as myself, but I have recently met people who understood the roads, nonetheless.  They offer me great compassion and encouragement.   And they don’t look at me any differently.  Oh, how the love of Jesus shines through them!

I don’t share my complete testimony with many people.  I wish I could share it more.  For some reason I think people would understand God’s grace and provision more if I could.  But how do I share it without hurting the other people that were involved in those pivotal moments of God’s restoration of myself?  How do I tell my story and leave the other people out?  It’s almost impossible.  But I don’t want to cause more damage.

That has been the debate within myself for years. 

Last night I had a dream.  I was standing in front of one of the people that had such an impact on my journey, and he didn’t believe that I had forgiven him.  He hadn’t even forgiven himself.  Over and over again in the dream and said to him, “I forgive  you!  I do!”  And it wasn’t as though I was convincing myself.  I knew I already had forgiven him.  It was like he just couldn’t believe it.  And he never really heard me say it before.  And then he did believe it.  Right before I woke up.  I saw it in his face.   And I had peace.  Complete peace. 

I woke up more at peace than I had in a long time, too.  And now I wonder…have I withheld grace from the people in my life that need it the most?

Trading in the Youth Pastor

Sunday night was the Superbowl.  I think the  Steelers won.  I saw about 15 minutes right before the half-time show.  This should prove to you my dedication to sports.

I have none.

But the party was really fun.  If you call being surrounded by hundreds of teens fun….which, I absolutely do!  Youth ministry is a passion of mine.  Hardcore.   These people are amazing!  Really!  I’ve never been more challenged, more encouraged, more stoked, or more insane than with these teens.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Our church invited over 4 other youth groups for this Superbowl bash, and we opened up the gym for sporting experimentation.  Rather, extermination.  Ha, that’s probably what the boys of Christ Wesleyan thought when they challenged the girls (including me) of Christ Wesleyan to a basketball game. 

To make it “fair” we swapped one guy for one girl, therefore having one player of opposite sex on each team.  We beasted the boys team.  I mean, we wiped the floor with them.  They were in utter shock.  I think we were too.  I mean, there were actual basketball players on that boy’s team. 

oh, and we figured out that to procure a bus for our youth, all we need to do is get rid of youth pastor Mark.  Not that we ever could or would or desire to do such a thing.  However, I think the real solution is this:  we need to invite Bales Wesleyan to join us more often so they can borrow Mark and we can borrow their bus. 

I think that’s a fair trade, don’t you?