I have begun to pray for my husband. Maybe I should rephrase that. I have begun to pray for a husband. Well, actually both of those statements are true. Not that I have not prayed for that in the past. I have, but I must say, quite unwisely. Have you ever thought about this statement: God gives us a chance? In my conversations with the Creator, I have offered myself to Him, claiming His will be done. However, sometimes I find that I try to convince God to give me a chance. Or rather, give “it” a chance. And I believe He has. Many times.
I look back and see all these times where I’ve prayed for something, and that something somewhat begins to happen. But then it stops. And then I get frustrated. And then I question God, “why did you even let it get that far?” *silence* And then I remember that I prayed for it to get that far. Wow. God gave it a chance. But the ultimate protector and provider that He is put up a barrier so that I could realize this wasn’t a wise path. I probably could have forced my way through, claiming I knew what was best for me and that it was really what I wanted for my life. I praise God that though He gave me an impulsive spirit, He still made me slow to make important decisions.
So, again, I’ve begun to pray for my/a husband. I’m not being broad, believe me. But wiser. At this point, there is a deep longing within me for a companion. I’ve joked to many of my friends/family that I want to marry Phil Wickham. Yeah, his music has truly inspired me and fed my soul recently. Yeah, he’s got great taste in clothing and books. Yeah, he plays guitar and sings like an angel. Yeah. He’s funny. Yeah. I told my brother Josh that I should attend his concert and tell him that he was going to be my baby’s daddy. Complete jest. In all seriousness, it would be insane and unwise for me to pray for God to bring Phil to my door. First of all, Phil would be completely freaked out and put a restraining order on me. Second, well, we don’t even know each other and he could absolutely detest enthusiastic brunettes. Third and most important…..that’s me praying my will, not God’s.
It is not insane for me to hope for someone great like that though. I told my father yesterday what I was praying for in detail. And he shared with me he’s been praying for that since my birth. So cool! My dad is a passionate support for me. For a while, I thought I didn’t deserve it, though. I thought b/c I had made some unwise choices perhaps I had missed my chance at marrying my counterpart.
What has sparked hope in me? This longing inside me….it’s like a subtle second heartbeat. I can be content with singleness. It’s actually pretty great! I am such a free spirit and do not like being held down to other people’s schedules, so the single life has sort of unchallenged that. (Is unchallenged a word? I don’t even know! But hopefully, you get the point.) Then I realize that my brothers go home at night and share their hopes and sadness and frustrations with their wives…their companions. I have awesome friends, but many of them are married now. And they share those moments with their husbands/wives. Slowly, my “pool of single companions” shrinks.
Also, I hold my two neices and think, “wow. i want one. one that i don’t have to give back at the end of the day.”
I am pretty positive that God has someone that will align with me in a tremendously fantastic way. And I’m praying, bending my will to the One who knows me from my heartbeat to my echoes, that a companion of great worth will be revealed in my life. And today, with victory, I can say that I have confidence that the future is not bleak.