I think I need to re-read Philip Yancey’s book, Disappointment with God.
Today has been full of disappointment. I am mostly disappointed in myself. I went through a very angry period awhile back. Angry with God and other people in my life, I blamed them for where I was in life and that it seemed I “couldn’t catch a break.” The outcome was harsh statements that I fear may never be erased from the listener’s ears. How I wish I had handled it better!
My friend John said to me tonight, “I wish I could have a do-over of my life. Maybe everybody wants that.” It’s hard to “start over” when you have already established so much. Imagine building a life with a shaky foundation and nowhere you felt safe. That is where he is right now. A complete do-over seems tempting. I know this is why God gives grace and teaches us how to forgive. Sometimes it seems so SO time and heart consuming, though. The alternative is dark, so often I wonder if we sit somewhere in between, attempting to grasp for whatever we can that seems familiar and stable.
Tonight I recieved a butterfly necklace as a belated birthday gift. It has great significance. Let me back up a bit. Recently I got two tattoos: one on my ankle of a butterfly to signify the forward movement in my new life in Christ, and the word “Grace” on my left wrist to remind me in my moments of disappointment and shame of what God’s love does. The necklace was meant to remind me, as well, that there is a fresh slate for us through Christ.
I don’t want to merely survive; I want to make a difference.
If you could have a do-over, what would you HONESTLY do different?