Becoming Andi

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 The Wichterman kids and me

I just finished my Philippians reading for today. 

“For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain….For I am hardpressed between the two, having a desire to depart and be with Christ, which is far better.  Nevertheless to remain in the flesh is more needful for you.  And being confident in this, I know that I shall remain and continue with you all for your progress and joy of faith, that your rejoicing for me may be more abundant in Jesus Christ by my coming to you again.” 

My mom called me today, and we had a conversation about my goals for this year.  I have had such an awakening recently about how I have handled life in the past and how I am now.  It all seems much more balanced now.   In the past, I guess I went to the extremes.   It was always “all or nothing.”  I’ve set myself up for failure much too often, but God has done so much in me over the last couple of years. 

My mother often referred to me in the past as a “rescuer”.  My heart would embrace the problems of my friends and I would supress all of my own needs to be the “strong one”.  They “needed me”.  I was unimportant.  I felt I was only worth something if I was needed. 

Isn’t that awful?  Isn’t that a twisted view of that Philippians passage?  I’m not saying I read it in my youth and misunderstood it.  It just hit me ironic tonight that this misunderstanding of life itself has been my biggest struggle.  When my strength wasn’t enough, I could feel my body give up.  I would crumble and lie in bed for days.  If someone gave up on themselves, I gave up on myself as though I had failed them.  It was the most terrible circle; I pray I never enter it again.

My friend John has said to me in the past (knowing of my “rescue complex”), “Get off the cross, Andi.  Jesus was already there.” 

I have come a LONG way.  I know I can still be a compassionate, edifying friend without “becoming the friend.”  And I am honored to pray for anyone that asks.  This has definitely been a journey of becoming…..me.

May Christ be glorified in all of our relationships.  May we learn when to let go and when to hold on.  May we never give up on life through Christ.

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