This is not the worst day ever. I am blessed beyond worth. But this is one of the roughest days I’ve had in a while.
The above is my nightstand. Cough medicines for my sudden sickness, coffee for my brain, phone to make unending phone calls for rescheduling, and paper for phone numbers I didn’t have….
With my hectic life, planning is imperative. I don’t mind it at all…..but it seems that every time I plan something, the peices fall apart at the last minute every time. In the past I’ve thought maybe it was God protecting me from something I couldn’t see. I’ve also considered it is just “happenstance.” But today it’s starting to look like it is me.
I know it’s a lie. I won’t give in to it. Even now I’m fighting off the urge to throw the towel in completely on everything that I’ve been working on. It’s tempting, let me tell you. I’m tempted to call everyone and just say “okay, so I am leaving. I’m sorry, I just can’t do this anymore, I need a new start.” And then I’d reinvent myself. Well, more than likely I would just end up at another church with another ministry struggling to fight this continual “force” attempting to pull my spirit down and make me feel it is all pointless.
I could analyze my life to shreds, but it wouldn’t solve this situation. My mom always tries to make me think of “how it could be worse.” She’ll give me about 50 million other people’s situations that are extremely worse than mine. Sometimes they are not even related to my own situation. I love my mother. I know she’s trying to help my perspective. It just always seems to set me off instead. But she does have a point….I’m focused on myself too much when I get into this “mope mode”.
Cindy Morgan, one of the musical artists I highly admire, just posted some lyrics for a song (Loosing End) she is working on for her next album. She said it’s about the person that won’t let anything good happen to him/her. The following are some of Cindy’s lyrics:
“I was wrong and you were right
Another wasted Friday night
Here with all these pieces of a ship that’s going down
Baby, it’s getting late
Couldn’t this wait
I’ll make it all o.k ;………
If you let me stay for a little while
Stay, I’ll learn how to smile
I won’t swear and I won’t smoke and I’ll laugh at all your jokes
Cause I’d rather learn to pretend
Than be on the loosing end”
Her lyrics always work my perspective. I think the last two lines of that are my favorite. I’m interested to hear the rest, wondering where she will take it. I’ve sort of decided to not hide things the way I used to. I was never really great at it, but I’d smile smugly and bite my tongue though my insides were screaming. My grandparents made a comment yesterday that I’m a different person than I used to be….which caused me sarcastic laughter. I said to them, “not really, I’m just more open to you than I used to be. You are actually seeing me go through life instead of seeing the mask of me go through it.”
I don’t know which is better: being open about the “rough days” or swallowing them to protect myself from judgement. Both of them have their vices. But I do know that I need to shift my attitude about the rough day I am having. I guess you, reader, are holding me accountable.
It’s not all bad. I have medicine. I have rescheduled my song at church for the beginning of February. I have people who love me, even if they don’t support me the way I’d like them all to. I have a very comfy bed. There’s a slice of homemade pumpkin pie in the fridge for me. So I am gonna push through. I’m gonna focus on accomplishing the tasks given to me and remember that I am not the only one struggling with the overwhelming in life right now. Whew, time to pray for some healing and strength……