Plans

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I have plans.  I intend to see them through.  I intend to stand my ground and not let the enemy feed off of the doubts inside me.  But I can’t lie, this is hard.

Between my voice sounding like muck due to sickness and discouragements about these plans….well, Brittany reminded me yesterday that if it’s hard we know we are doing the right thing.  Satan doesn’t want these plans to succeed cuz they are powerful.

I’ve got this song I’m addicted to by Sara Bareilles called “Between the Lines”.   It’s great.  Makes me cry.  I always knew I was different from most of the people around me.  When I was in elementary school I would walk around the playground at recess singing made up songs.  I have this intuition thing which is probably the Holy Spirit, but I know things before they happen.  Not all things.  Just certain things.  So, there are things I “know” about myself and I don’t know how to explain them to people.  I’m sure they would be all “how can you know that? you’re just making excuses” and stuff, but it’s not like I’ve been avoidant.  I mean, I don’t want these things to be true.  And in the past I have wondered if it was some kind of discouragement attack by Satan, but at this point I think God is just preparing my heart.

I like things out in the open.  I hate hate hate this “I’d rather not know-take it to the grave” world we live in.  I’m sure some things are better left unspoken….but it’s the why of it that makes me mad.  Why can’t I be open about these things in my heart?  Because other people can’t handle it.  Because no one will believe me.  Because everyone will disagree and their viewpoint will be off and just make the fact that I have to deal with this even harder than it is. 

So I had a relationship that this song by Sara seems to sing so well.  Until now.  At this point I’ve pretty much decided I’m just gonna say instead of try to protect everyone and everything.  To crap with this “see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil” society.  I can’t live Between the Lines anymore.   Sucks that I lived in that for so many years.  All because the people around me couldn’t handle it.  All because I was afraid of the outcome.  All because I didn’t want draw a line.  That line may have changed my world.

“Time to tell me the truth

to burden your mouth for what you say

no pieces of paper in the way

cause I can’t continue pretending to choose

the opposite sides on which we fall

the loving you later of it all

no right minds could wrong be this many times

my memory is cruel

i’m queen of attention to details

defending intentions if he fails

leave unsaid unspoken

eyes wide shut unopened

you and me always between the lines

i tell myself all the words he surely meant to say

i’ll talk until the conversation doesn’t stay on

wait for me I’m almost ready

when he meant to let go”

Sara Bareilles, “Between the Lines”

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