Decide or Defeat


It’s a day for pumping music.  I need the happy pickup.

A crossroads is near again, and I don’t know what to do.  Every piece of my neck just popped liked bubble wrap when I moved it.  Tension release, yay!  Anyhow, I gotta make a decision or “things” will end up remaining just as they are.  Which is not good….b/c it won’t REALLY stay the same.  My spirit will end up settling and all of my desire to use music for ministry will begin to weaken.

There are a few options I have in my head.  One is the easiest.  One takes the most faith and money.  One may take several months to accomplish.  And one will completely destroy all time and possibility of the music ministry I have begun.

Which is the best?  I have been praying and mulling it over for months.  Right now, I’m just exhausted from it.  I haven’t REALLY knocked any of the options out.  Many of the people in my life have an opinion of what is best for me.  They are all different too, so it doesn’t really help me.  Not that I don’t appreciate people’s efforts to encourage me.  Some of it turns out to be discouragement, though.  Some people are all practicality and no imagination/faith.  That’s a hard one for me.  I am a mix of the two.  I just feel completely worthless.

I do not like to ask for help.  It becomes a weakness….I’m very stubborn when I think I can accomplish it without someone else.   I’ve had to rely on some help for the last couple of years….and I don’t want to have to rely on it anymore.  I’ve been working desperately to get out of that situation.  Part of it is, yes, living with my grandparents.  My decision at the crossroads is going to affect my living situation.  I’m so SO longing to have my own space.  It’s in view right now…I can almost reach out and touch it.  However a couple of those options in my head will mean I will remain under the help of others.  I won’t have my own space.  For years, this is the way it has been.  *Sigh* I don’t know what to do.

I am being pulled as though I have strings attached to me, and I’m going to be ripped apart unless I cut those strings.  I want to make this decision without feeling regret or obligation.  I pray for God’s wisdom and guidance…I have been accused of being selfish, however.  *sigh*  That is so disheartening.   I am not married, nor do I have kids.  All I have ever wanted is to do the will of my Creator…and make a positive impact on the world.  I want to point people to the God of hope and salvation.  My passion is doing that through music.  It doesn’t matter to me if that doesn’t pay the bills.  That’d be nice, but honestly, it’s not my first priority.  I didn’t get my degree expecting that it would pay my bills.  I got my degree knowing I needed skills to be able to get up in front of people as a musician confidently.

Probably there are many who think I got my degree for the wrong reason.  We would argue all day, then.  I know what God placed in my heart to do.  I am pursuing that now.  God has allowed doors to open.  It’s not easy, but I know I am in His will.  So now, what?  Which way do I go so that this pursuit will be best followed through????????????????

Please pray for me.  I am not sure what to do.


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