Crumbled

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Every time I watch a love story I end up in tears.   It gives me hope.  It makes me happy.  And then I get sad.  And then I get mad.  And then I get confused.  And then…I am distracted by something, anything, to take my mind off of love stories.

I just watched two love stories with my sister-in-law.  I went through that rush of emotions on my ride home, hoping to be distracted by Phil’s live show once arriving home.  But then when I turned on the live feed, Phil is talking about his love song to God, and Divine Romance, and how when we sing love songs to God, He responds.

Guess I’m not gonna escape love stories tonight.  Somedays all I wish is that someone, anyone, would understand me.  That someone would acknowledge my breathing and say to me, “it’s not in vain.”  That someone would see my efforts at their purest of heart and say, “I see you.  I see what you went through.  I see how far you have come.  And I see where you could go.  And I love you, yesterday, today, and tomorrow.”  And I am broken that it’s not enough that God says that to me everyday in His many glorious and breathtaking ways.

Oh that I could escape this desire inside to be humanly validated.  It’s a torture that I’ve learned to fight, but  in these vulnerable moments after seeing the very thing I fear I will never have…I crumble.

I know the truth.  I do.  God’s Word is mighty.  I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  I know that all things work together for me.  I know that God saw me in my mother’s womb and that if I commit my plans to Him, they will succeed.  I know that He loves me so much, He sent his son to DIE for me to have everlasting life.  I know God does not wish for me to continue on in loneliness.  He knows the plans he has for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me.

As I type, Phil is singing True Love.  It is not in vain.  The love I have shown is not in vain, the time it has taken will not be unfulfilling, and this path will not prevent relationship.  The God who created us to commune with him would not, COULD NOT desire his creation to live void of this awesome, acknowledging proof of LIFE.  Lord, my life is yours.  May the songs that I sing and the fellowship I bring glorify you above all things.

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