So I’ve discovered a personality trait of mine that I wish to understand and re-wire.  My instinctual responses are not appropriate to some circumstances.

Example 1:  When something extremely awful and time-sensitive happens, I am most calm and act as though it’s just another daily event.

Example 2:  When someone gets hurt, I have to suppress a smile  I DO NOT understand this.  I am not ever happy that someone has gotten hurt.  Ever!  I am not happy when I smile in these cases…I just feel like I cannot control my lips while inside I am crying.

Example 3:  On the flipside I cry SO EASILY to the simplest of things.  I cry more when I am happy!  I am known for my tearing up at movies…movies that don’t normally make you cry.   (However, I HATED The Notebook.  It did not make me cry.  And I’m a girl.)

Example 4:  I have really, really odd dreams.  That has nothing to do with the above other than that my dreams feel too lifelike and sometimes really, really think things have happened, but discover later that it only happened in my dream at night.  It is SOOO annoying.

So after watching Grey’s Anatomy tonight, and having been thinking about this trait of mine some recently….well…

I think too much.  I analyze too much.  I re-sort too much.  I am sure there are some things that need to be understood and learned, but seriously.  Seriously!  Seriously?  God created us intelligently.  He created us to BE intelligent, to learn, to modify, to grow.  It is coming to me as I type this that perhaps this rehashing and dwelling on how messed up we all are might be a complete distraction from what God wants us to be.

I mentioned to the teens Wednesday night, “Satan wants nothing more than you to believe lies.  But this (the Bible) is an AWESOME book.  It is full of truth…”   I do not recall in the Bible where we are instructed or advised to dwell on the past or seek to understand why we are the way we are.  We are instructed to repent (more than acknowledgment of wrongdoing….it is a TURNING away from those ways.)  We are instructed to NOT worry about tomorrow.  We are advised toward many positive life-living skills such as being patient, kind, caring for those in need, being sensitive in actions toward the weak, and forgiving of those who have offended us.  We are advised to seek wise counsel…perhaps part of wise counsel includes this analysis.

I’m kinda on a runaway train; I apologize.  I’m thinking “out loud”.

But this tormentual, unsettled cloud that only causes me worry cannot be advisable.  I’ve always believed in this “find the root of the problem” philosophy in circumstances like this.  But I do not know…I seriously do not know if that philosophy is Biblically sound.  I KNOW there is a war being waged with me and around me and all of us on a spiritual, heavenly level…science continues to prove the existence of God.  I wonder if these “unknown clouds” prove the existence of the heavenly realm.  I wonder if God, all-knowing, chose to advise us in His Word for these forward-moving growth tools so that we would not dwell on what is not fully apparent to us.  I wonder if there are just some things that will not have “human closure” on earth…and that God is beckoning us to instead do all that we can do….

I’m rambling and probably not making sense…..I just wonder if I wonder too much.


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