Rain woke me up today. I went through the motions of coffee, breakfast, getting dressed…and then remembered. I still have to look for a job. *heavy sigh* My week of resting in the assurance that I would have a job to begin this week was dashed to the rocks yesterday. I guess it took a full night of sleep to truly allow it to sink in.
Ever since, I’m fighting a gloomy mood. Perhaps it is just the rain. Rain does that sometimes, even though I actually love rainy days. So I began applying for other positions when my sis-in-law called inviting me to go to Target with her. I drove out and sat for a moment with rain pounding my windows….then called her to see if she needed help to get the girls out. As we spoke I suddenly realized I drove to the wrong Target. She was in Greensboro and I was parked at the one in High Point.
I drove to the church from there in a fog. I took care of a couple responsibilities there but then as soon as I had accomplished those tasks the fog rolled in quickly again. I suddenly felt dizzy. And faint. And lost.
I prayed with tears rolling down my eyes all the way home. Why, why, why do I feel this way, God? I can do all things through You with Your strength…
Then it hit me. Heartbreak. I was so looking forward to this new job. I was so CLOSE to starting this job. This job seemed perfect for me. This job might be something I could live with and commit to for good.
But it ended before it ever started.
This is a familiar, dreary theme in my life. It breaks my heart. It makes me feel as though I have been picked up by a tornado and tossed into an unknown state. When the realization hit me, I began my strategy of prayer, quoting scripture, and reminding myself of what is true. I don’t know why this is a theme in my life. Perhaps there is something to it, but I will not dwell on it. I just had to express this b/c right now my mind is exploding and my heart wants to be glued back together.
“For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.” 2 Cor. 4:17
That comforts me, but what exactly is eternal glory? Then I remembered something I had read…
Rick Warren says in The Purpose Driven Life– “God never wastes a hurt. God intentionally allows you to go through painful experiences to equip you for ministry to others.” Whew, take me where you will, Lord.