Given Up-Chapter 20

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Recently I watched an episode of Grey’s Anatomy. Dr. Meredith Grey had been seeing a counselor due to some stress and frustration about some crazy things that had been happening in her life. Something the counselor said to Meredith made me do a double take. It was this: “You know people run away from this line between life and death. You seem to stand on it and wait for a strong wind to sway you one way or the other. You’re careless with your life. You’re not slitting your wrists but you’re careless.”

As soon as I heard that, my heart skipped about 5 beats. It felt like that counselor had nailed me less than a minute. I don’t know when it started; it seems like it’s always been there. Voices in my head telling me that I’ll never be good enough made me think I should give up. Since I’ve had such an elaborate dream life, it wasn’t hard to imagine subtext in every conversation or situation. I always think that people are measuring me and finding me lacking, and that perhaps it would be better to not exist.

My grandparents and I had a conversation the other day. Grandpa was remarking about how hard it was for Grandma to go through chemotherapy, and Grandma recalled it with more appreciation. She began to run down a list of all the things she would have missed out on if she had not endured the chemo. My grandma knew she had to beat those cancers. She wanted to beat them. Now she is grateful for the many hospital/doctor visits and continues to lead a purposeful, full life. A long time ago, I made a decision…when Grandma was diagnosed with cancer. I would ignore doctors as much as possible; I would rather die in ignorance of cancer than to find out and have to fight it. I had given up before there was even a reason to fight.

Life is fleeting. I love Cindy Morgan’s song about living life to the fullest (How You Live). It’s such a lesson: “Looking back from where you’ve been, it’s not who you knew, and it’s not what you did, it’s how you live.” It’s just not worth it, believing the lies. We miss out on too much! The unknown may require faith, but God knows what we do not. God see what we cannot. He can be trusted; He has proven His goodness over and over. He has abundant life for us! If we take a chance, stepping out in faith, then sure it’s a risk. We will surely have some rough days, but if we hide from life we risk missing all the wonderful, glorious days.

Ironically, my voice studio’s name is “il Voce di Scopo”-the voice of purpose. It’s on the front plate of my car. Someone asked me what that meant today, and I was reminded of why I decided on that title. I want to live a life of purpose. I want to dedicate my voice to sing and teach so that others hear a message of hope in this world being soaked with lies. That means it’s time to stop giving up. There’s so much opportunity awaiting…

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One thought on “Given Up-Chapter 20

  1. I found you through Brody Harper and just felt prompted to comment on your post. It just made me think of myself at times, friends and even my marriage. Thank you for being so honest. I think that sometimes we get bogged down in the minutia of the everyday and don’t look at the big picture with gratitude like your grandmother. Sometimes, I want to give up on myself or my marriage because I can’t have everything I want, but like a petulant child, Christ does no good to reward an ungrateful heart. It was very convicting. Thank you again.

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