Suddenly, my pulse increases, and before I know it my heart and head are all chaos. My chest is so tight you could use it as target practice. Every possibility and doubt is dangled before my focus. In this moment, breathing seems optional. In fact, breathing has been suspended and waits for rescue. Panic leads to tears, and tears to collapse.
This is what fear does to me. Some fears sweep through so fast only to fade seconds later. Such as when I spot a large spider in my close proximity. That resolution is swift. Shout for assistance, and if unavailable grab nearest large shoe and squash. Breathing inabled.
Yet there are fears that sit deep within me. Fears of life-altering possibilities that only surface when certain conflicts arise or when circumstances seem “just right.” It is here that I feel most vunerable. And how appropriate that Brody asks us to post on this today. Recently some of these fears have been surfacing, and I am resisting the temptation to be bound by them. In fact, release seems incredibly appropriate today.
I have experienced a lot of loss, so grieving is not a new concept. Some things I have mourned are loss of dreams, loss of grandparents, loss of friends, loss of a fiancé, loss of hope, and loss of expectation. Some of the things that have died still live. I don’t mean to confuse you by this, only to establish that I have mourned things or people that live on….just not in the way I thought that they would. This being said, I have a crippling fear of losing what is close to my heart. It’s not that I do not want to experience the mourning, although this is not desired. I just do not know how many times a heart can break before a spirit is weakened to the point of giving up….which is what fuels this crippling fear.
Through all these things, God has comforted me in one way or another. There has always come a period of restoration and building up, which enables me to move forward and share God’s grace. This is the foundation of my music ministry. Yet, there remains a fear in me that I could possibly lose sight of God’s victory and sink into desperation again. Let me share some background. Several years ago I attempted to take my life. Ironically this morning, I found the conversation I had with a close friend two days before this occurred. All the emotions of that time washed over me as I read it, and immediately the Holy Spirit reminded me “dwell in Me. Do not let this consume your thoughts. Think on Me and My victory.” I defrosted fairly quickly with those words. I understand why Paul said, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is fair, whatever is pure, whatever is acceptable, whatever is commendable, if there is anything of excellence and if there is anything praiseworthy-keep thinking about these things.”
This morning soon after I woke up I asked God if He would resolve something that had been bothering my spirit. There is a question that I am so fearful to ask….I do not know the answer. I have asked it in so many ways in the past, but never have gotten a solid answer. Probably, this is due to the fact that the decision has not been made, so there is no solid answer. Everytime I think about this question, fear freezes my heart. I had to come to the conclusion several years ago that the answer to this question cannot determine my future or hinder the call that God has on my life. However, I still fear the answer. It could change nothing, or it could change everything. It’s the unknown that cripples me. However, I know that God is Creator, Healer, Reedemer, and King. No matter what is decided, I am a child of this so mighty King and will be held close to His heart through it all. This is my comfort. This is my peace. And this is where I need to offer up every fear and every hope. I still pray that God will resolve this pestering thought with an answer today, but I need not fear the answer whenever it comes.