Lamentations

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Can I take a moment to be really vulnerable and honest? I may regret this tomorrow….

I feel like I don’t belong anywhere.   It’s really starting to bother me.  Almost all my friends that are around my age are married and most have kids or are planning kids.  They are kinda bound by their families…can’t run off on the fly.  And I feel stupid around them…like, I seriously can’t relate at all.  I still feel 21.  I feel like everyone around my age are a generation ahead of me.

The rest of my friends are much younger than me…and I’m pretty sure they are uber-supportive, but they have no way of truly empathizing.  They haven’t lived long enough.  And usually they just make a joke out of my situation, for which I laugh along.  But honestly, it hurts.  Deeply.

So, I’m really lonely.  Feeling guilty for not being content…b/c I’m truly blessed beyond measure.  But this is so confusing.  And my biggest fear is that this is all there is, this great big circle and the haunting of my past relationships….that I will be forever fighting off this feeling of inadequacy, of not being good enough.  I don’t understand why all the men in my life have loved me, yet preferred well….something that will never fulfill their need.  Not that I ever could, for that I always knew.  But to be told you are loved more than his own life, while at the same time told it’s not your fault that it can never be….UGH!   How could that NOT make you feel worthless?  I don’t care WHAT the situation is.

And after years and years of prayer and petition and giving everything up to God, I think I’m going insane.  I FEEL like I’m going insane.  God would not torture me this way–I know this is a continual attack on my spirit from the devil…but I’m seriously sick of having to push it off.  And I don’t know what else to do other than what I’ve been doing living for Jesus.

I’m just praying God hasn’t forgotten me. He knows my heart, my longings, this terrible loneliness.  I just hope He has something for me that will make all this heartache worth it…or at least make it leave forever.  God, please don’t forget me.

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