I haven’t blogged in just over a year. It has been a busy year, but the most hectic season is just around the corner. For the majority, this is due to Christmas. For my husband and me, it is because we will be finishing and moving into our first house. We do not know the exact date of this move, yet, but we hope it will be sometime around the turn of the year. There is still much to do…..walls to paint, floors to stain, carpet to pull up, things to move out and in….and then there are all the little details that I cannot even begin to mull over. Their time will come. At least, that is what I keep reminding myself to ward off the Worry Monster. He has been wreaking havoc a little overtime on me lately.
In September, my husband and I learned I was pregnant with our first child. Words cannot express how elated we were. It was something we had been desiring for some time. It took a few days to really sink in, but very soon I knew it was real. Everything started changing: priorities, plans, and my body. Oh yes, I could tell there was something very wonderful and extra special growing inside of me. Every time I thought of our little baby, I could not help but beam. I started counting down the days to when I could learn whether it was a girl or a boy. A name for a girl, check. A name for a boy was being prayed for. Then we got the most painful news: our baby did not have a heartbeat. For two weeks I carried my lifeless little one. And then I felt the searing emptiness in my womb. Worst. Feeling. Ever.
So this last month has been about grieving the loss of our first baby. Slowly, the fog is rolling out and each day gets a little easier. One day I will get to hold my baby. Until then, God will have to take care of this one. I don’t know why this happened. However, if there is one thing I have truly learned in my 32 years, it is that God is a faithful provider. God’s timing was perfect with my meeting and marrying my wonderful husband (who, by the way, has been the most compassionate and encouraging sweetheart through all of this heartache.) So, I am giving this to God. He knows the only two things that are on my Christmas list this year.