Held Forever

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I should not be surprised by disappointment by now.  These 36 years of my life have not been all sunny side up.  There have been some painful relationships, heart-wrenching breakups, goals that didn’t come to fruition, and job losses.  I have already mourned two unborn babies.  Yet, I am sitting here this morning still in shock that I will not get to hold the baby in my arms that I am carrying in my womb.  Why doesn’t it ever get easier?  Why do these terrible thoughts still run through my mind, even though I KNOW the truth?  I suppose it is this way with everyone who faces sadness.

Upon learning of my pregnancy, I was elated and scared all at once.  I knew that the possibility was there that this baby would not make it, since I have already gone through it before.  However, I was hopeful.  And in the last week, I had peace.  I thought the peace was the Holy Spirit telling me that this baby was alright.  I suppose that was true in a spiritual perspective.  God is caring for this baby in eternity now, and has been for 3 weeks.  Yesterday, I sat in the doctor’s office in utter denial.  I couldn’t accept it.  I asked the doctor if there was any hope.  “No, Andria,” he said.  “You can come back next week and look again but nothing is going to change.”  Devastation.  Heartbreak.  Anger.  Fear.  Emptiness.  Numbness. Acceptance.

It is as though 6 months of processing the loss swept through me in a matter of an hour.  I realized between emptiness and numbness that I had to make a decision.  I could remain dead in spirit and sulk in my frozen state, or I could embrace the life God has given me and choose to remember His goodness.  The song we are singing Sunday kept rotating in my mind.  “Lord, You are good and your mercy endureth forever.”  Could I sing this from my heart?  Do I still believe this?  Why would God let this happen again?  Ugh, the questions started again.  I knew the cycle would continue, and likely would for days and weeks to come.  However, I also know the truth.  Life isn’t easy, whether or not you follow Christ.  But with Christ, I have a hope that goes beyond my temporal circumstances.  I know that God has a plan for my life and that He has life for me beyond the grave.   And I still have a purpose with my family, my church and my community.  Yes, God is good.  His mercies are new every morning and endure forever.  I still believe it, even if disappointment catches me off guard and causes questions of purpose.

If you are facing disappointment or a loss today, I want you to know it will be hard, but it doesn’t have to consume you forever. There is no consolation in being told you are not alone.  I know that personally.  There is also no consolation in being told that it will get easier, because you are still in the painful moments.  The future isn’t as important in this moment because the heartache is heavy.  The mourning needs to take place.  Healing will follow through.  We just need to remember Who holds our hearts.

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