Kicking and Screaming

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The last few days have been challenging in many ways. Some of you know the painful situation surrounding me. If you’ve read my blogs, you know some of the details. Thank you, friends and family, for encouraging me and praying for me and my family. For those of you bringing meals, bless you. I have not been up to cooking, and fast food/take out is not cheap and gets really old really fast. That is life sometimes, though. Sometimes your main goal is just to survive. Truly, I know that this is not as difficult as what some of you are facing today. Some of you are really dealing with some hard stuff. Some of your health situations are so much scarier and difficult. I can look at mine and see the end, and because of this I feel very blessed and grateful. It is still sad. It is still painful. I won’t dilute it. I will allow myself to mourn the loss of my 3rd unborn child. But I will thank God for all that He has given me.

On Sunday, it was very difficult for me to be grateful about anything. My perception of everything was completely clouded. The physical and emotional pain had taken over, and all I wanted to do was cry and complain. My sweet 2 year old saw me at my worst. He responded by asking me frequently, “Honey, do you need a hug?” Ah, the compassion they learn at such a young age is amazing. My husband encouraged me and loved on me and spoke truth to me. Yet, all this couldn’t break through my heartache. James reminded me that I had to choose to be joyful. I had to choose to stop my dark thoughts and start thinking about what God had given me. I knew he was right, but so much that day made me want to crawl into my bed and just stay there. I was not able to go to church on the last Sunday that my brother and his family would be attending there. I saw Facebook posts that made me feel unneeded and not good enough. (Again, my perception was off kilter.) I had chosen to avoid a D & C with this pregnancy loss, but due to the progression of the natural process my doctor said the surgery may be necessary after all. I was discouraged and disappointed. Inside, I was screaming. I was angry. Turning it all over to God and choosing to praise was not easy at this point. As the day ended, I was reluctant to be grateful. I wanted to stay in my pity zone. It was easier.

My son taught me something the next day. I was still having a rough time with pain, though a visit to the doctor encouraged me. It looked like a D & C could be avoided at this point. My mom let me vent, which definitely helped. I picked up my son from a friend who had graciously agreed to care for him while I was at the doctor. He was fine until I put him in the car. He was not happy to leave! Levi really loved playing with his toddler buddy Liam, and wanted to go back inside his house. He screamed as though he was in great pain the entire 15 minutes home. I kept checking on him, talking to him with a soothing voice, letting him know it was going to be okay. He could not be comforted. When I got home, his anger had turned to full rage. He kicked and screamed as I carried him inside the house. Nothing I did seemed to help him. God must have given me a great deal of patience, because I remained so calm even in the middle of all the chaos. I wrapped my arms around him and rocked him until his limbs stopped fighting me. I whispered, “Mommy’s here. It’s okay. I’m not leaving you. You will be okay” until he fell asleep. Even in his sleep, his breathing was labored. Eventually, he succumbed to full rest.

I realized while my babe slept in my arms that God had been trying to soothe me all day Sunday. It was easier to feel His comfort before the hard part started. When I look back, I know I will see His arms were holding me through it all.   Sometimes in the middle of the storm, it is hard to see the presence of God and rest in it. Circumstances may indeed be difficult and frustrating.  We may kick and scream a little. We may resist His hold. Nevertheless, the God who created us draws us to Himself and assures us He will not leave. His faithfulness is sure. Whether or not we choose to accept His peace, it is there for us. Today, even though there is still much uncertainty and a great deal of pain in my body and heart, I am resting in His arms. I am choosing to give thanks.

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