It is days like these that I get this ache to write. So here I sit, with fleeting moments of quiet while kids slumber…and there is just so much in my heart. I am turning 38 this year. This seems impossible. Wasn’t it just yesterday that I was a college student working towards my music degree? Didn’t I just get married? How did this year come so fast?! It seems like I should have so much more under my belt and have so much more on the horizon. So many expectations I had for myself. I think others had expectations for me as well. I remember a college professor try to convince me that I should consider changing my major from music to writing. I don’t even remember batting an eyelash when I let him know I was quite determined to stick with my music degree. Yet, I did not really have a plan. At one time, there were dreams. Sometimes they were extremely reasonable and attainable. Other times, they were very lofty and would have required an enormous amount of time, money, and dedication. Some of those desires changed. Some of them just fell through for one reason or another. Others I honestly just did not care enough about to really pursue. I don’t really feel like I am missing out on anything. Truly, I am grateful that God allowed choices I made to bring about the wonderful blessings of my husband and two precious children. I have more than I ever imagined I ever would.
Even though some days are hard and uncertain, the Lord keeps reminding me that He is present and loves me. Sometimes I get overwhelmed. Some days are SO exhausting with a 9 month old that fights sleep and a 4 year old that never stops. Often I expect too much of myself. Sometimes I let others’ expectations of me bring me down. It happens. Life is just not a simple, carefree ride. Even so, the peace of God is SO incredible. I can speak a million miles a minute with chaos surrounding me, yet it rests there in my heart, reminding me that no matter the outcome, I am not alone and I am not without hope.
I don’t know it all. I don’t have all of the answers. I am probably not wise beyond my years, but I have lived a lot of life. I have a full and fulfilling life. There are plenty of regrets, and a long list of heartaches. Even so, God is good and proves over and over to me that He loves me immensely. The blessings are more than I could ever account.
When life is not what you hoped, and when you do not know what to do, allow yourself to rest in the remembrance of all that is good in your life and all that God has provided. When you feel empty or lonely, and when you are hurting beyond belief, do not give up on your life. Reach out to someone for comfort and encouragement. God has not left you. He has not given up on you. Know that He sees every tear and knows every desire, no matter how small or how deep. You are loved, and you are precious to Him. And even though I may not know you, you are precious to me too, because you are God’s creation. I will pray for you and mourn with you, as others in my life have prayed for and mourned with me. If you dance, I will rejoice.
I know I have gotten way off of my initial intent for this blog post, but all this to say that there is great contentment to be found in a relationship with Yahweh. It is so much more than feeling happy about life or a striving to do good. It does not even compare to that. It is steady pulsing that feeds the soul and an anchor that grounds the mind and heart. It is a constant that even though may sometimes feel distant or lost, sits within your heartbeat and rests under all of your thoughts.