My son loves to torture his younger sister. Everyday. Sometimes all day. He finds some kind of strange delight in hearing my daughter squeal in agony. I have started to become numb to it: the sound of Imogen screaming with Levi in the background yelling out, “I didn’t do anything!” However, he definitely did do something. He looked at her the wrong way. He touched a toy she silently claimed. He threw her doll into a far corner. He danced in front of her. He sat beside her. He kissed her cheek. He ate something she desired. He tickled her arm. He became a dinosaur, stomping and roaring towards her face.
Some of these things are certainly innocent or sweet. Some of them are intentional violations of Imogen’s peace. Regardless, Levi tortures Imogen. And I have to step in and become the kindness police and remind Levi that Imogen needs space,
so he has leave her alone…
you know…
show her kindness and respect
….or else.
From time to time, I have to sit down and have a heart to heart with Levi to help him remember that when we love each other, we need to put the other person first. We need to respect their space and avoid poking the beast. Sometimes he sits there and genuinely does NOT know what he did to hurt her. It frustrates him. It discourages him. And I have to ask for his forgiveness, because sometimes, her agony really is NOT his fault. Sure, maybe his proximity to her presence was just too close for her desire. But he did not realize he was bothering her. Harming her.
Sometimes he really does know better, though. Sometimes he makes decisions and realizes that they are going to upset the apple cart. But he is too focused on that goal to consider the repercussions. He is so determined to make a high-pitched tone force through Imogen’s vocal cords, that he ignores that it is going to cause frustration or harm. He doesn’t care that it is going to irritate everyone else in the room or make conversation impossible. It is just not on his radar.
I remind him to obey, and he will sometimes say, “wait….what am I supposed to do again?” He gets distracted. He gets so consumed with his game goals or his Lego creation plans. Or maybe he is in pain. Like yesterday when he tripped and hit his knee on that table. He was supposed to clean his room…but the pain stopped him in his steps. And then he forgot what he was told to do. He forgot to obey. Did I have mercy on him? You bet. I love my son. But I still need him to clean his room. LOL. However, it can wait until he has worked through his pain.
Yelling at him to obey. Shaming him….these things just do not help. They do more damage. He needs to be treated with the love, mercy, and life-giving direction that God treated us with when He sent His son to pay the price for our disobedience. Sometimes we need the discipline. For sure. But sometimes our approach makes all the difference in the world.
I think we do this thing that my son does, though. We get so wrapped up with our busy everyday activities, or distracted by a sudden life change, or tempted by something that seems more important…or more fun…
…that we forget to reach out to each other. We don’t check in on each other. We do not do the things we are supposed to be doing. We ignore the Holy Spirit. We need the Holy Spirit’s prodding. We need to be reminded of what our purpose is. We need to be reminded what God has for us to accomplish.
It is so easy to get in a cycle of hurt. Of course, we want to stop it. We want to grow deeper. We want to have restored relationships. We want to grow the Kingdom of God. We want to share the good news of Christ and salvation and hope and freedom! How can we do this successfully though when we are in a cycle of hurt? How can we work together and be at peace with one another if there is deep damage that needs healing?Can we have some victories? OF COURSE! God is greater and bigger than our pain and shame and failings, and He is a master at life-giving! But if we want to work together and grow together and move forward together…and have flourishing Kingdom building, we must repair the damage. How do we begin?
I can lecture Levi all day on respect and kindness and obedience….and plead for him to give Imogen a break. But he has to have the conviction. For there to be obedience, there must be repentance. And before there is true repentance, there must be conviction.
We just are not convicted enough. I think we ignore it. Or maybe sometimes we are truly not aware that we are harming someone…..that we are creating an environment of frustration, torture, or pain. Maybe we are unaware….or maybe we are just numb to it. Maybe we stopped caring. Maybe our pain is so great that we cannot see the pain of others around us. It is not an excuse. Not one bit. There is never a moment where we should say, “well, I’m not going to apologize because I was not trying to hurt that person.”
This is something I find I must remind the kids regularly. Someone gets hurt. The offender says, “it was an accident!! I was not trying to hurt him.” My response, “but just because it was unintentional does not mean you should not apologize. We should still feel remorse and regret when we hurt people….even if we were not trying to harm.” It is a lesson I think we have to learn all of our lives.
Forgiveness is not for the benefit of the offender. It is for the freedom of the victim. That is just one step in the process of restoration and healing. We can start fresh, sure. We can remove the people from our lives that hurt us and start over again. But the new relationships will surely disappoint us too. I mean….we are broken people. We are selfish and sinful, and we ALL misunderstand. We all make assumptions. We are going to offend and be hurt again. We have to learn to live at peace with one another. We should not give up loving one another and being peacemakers. But it is hard sometimes, isn’t it?
Broken relationships burden me. I keep having to turn it over to God. I don’t know what to do sometimes. I go over and over and over situations in my mind and consider what I could have done differently or what I could have not said…or said. And in the end, sometimes it does not help to rehash. What I do know? To be a peace-maker, I must be a peace-lover. And to establish a culture of peace, I need to ask the Holy Spirit to convict me when I am wrong, so that I can reach out and repent…turn and follow a better path, and start walking in obedience with my Creator and in service to the people around me whom I have been called to love.
It is gonna be a daily battle. When a group of people get into a cycle of hurt, it may be hard to stop the process. It may seem impossible or insurmountable. We may be approaching it all in a selfish manor, or maybe we get to distracted to realize what is happening. Maybe we are too focused on the end goal to walk through restoration with grace and mercy. But with God, all things are possible. Healing, restoration, growth, and victory are His strengths! Like a pastor said recently, we gotta remember to keep the main thing the main thing. And when we have disappointment or hurt in a relationship, we need to look at the other person through the lens of God’s eyes. Pray for them. Focus on the good points. Have mercy and give them grace.
I love this Bible study a few ladies and I are doing. It is soooo good. And one of the points that stood out to me last night was that God sending Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden was an act of mercy. He was protecting them from eating from the Tree of Life, after having eaten from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil so that He could protect them from a perpetual state of shame. Because one day….and He is holding back the end day so that all will have a chance at LIFE…..one day, we will be able to walk with Him in a garden without shame. And we will be able to live with one another in complete peace and without harming one another. What a day that will be!!
I love this quote in our study: Levi Lusko says when God says “Do not”, it means the same thing as “Do not hurt yourself.” When we disobey God, we are hurting ourselves…probably a lot more than we realize. And sometimes I wonder….are we struggling so much because we do not realize how much we have been ignoring the convictions of the Holy Spirit? Are we experiencing so much turmoil because we have not started the process of repentance? So today, I am considering how much I am like my son. And with a broken heart, I say, “Holy Spirit, convict me where I have harmed. Help me turn towards the purpose you have for me…and away from destructive choices…so that I can walk in obedience. So that I can love people the way that You love me, and so that I can be a peace-maker. Grateful for God’s acts of mercy and measures of love in my life. May I be a light for His Kingdom.
Andria's Blog 