On Worship Teams

It is so easy for me to get tore up about church music. It’s my passion. It brings me joy. But it also brings heartache. I’m definitely not an expert. But experience and observation combined with a great deal of sorrow have brought me to some of these thoughts.

We must discover the difference between offering our best as worshippers and showcasing our best. We must learn the balance of excellence and education as we provide these opportunities for musical worship during our church gatherings.

Of course we should give our very best and aim to make music that is excellent. It’s important to note that every individual will have a unique preference. Yet, when it comes to congregational worship, it’s not about self service. It’s about glory to God. It is about allegiance and praise to the Creator who lavishes love and mercy on a very undeserving world.

We must practice letting go of our personal preferences when we worship together. It is not about self. (I definitely struggle! It is so easy to focus on what I prefer and enjoy.) It is not about showcasing our best, either. (Different from giving our best.)

Genuine, authentic worship is not always pretty. Raw and hungry, passionate and desperate? Absolutely! Quiet and reserved? Sometimes….yes. Flawless? Rarely.

First and foremost, the recipient of our gift of worship is our Heavenly Father. We do not give him scraps. Secondly, we want to make sure that the music we create is not a distraction in the opportunity of congregational worship. Hence, excellence is not an absurd expectation. (The perception of excellence will always be different, though, depending on the perspective.) Even if we have extensive training on our instrument, it does not mean that people will appreciate it or prefer it or utilize it. Preferences….

There is benefit and blessing in utilizing a vast variety of musicians. We will certainly not sound like we belong on a top 25 Hits album. That is completely acceptable. We will not all express our love of God through music the same way. Yet, the opportunity to serve with our unique musical gifts can shine such a bright light!

A worship team in the average church is not a group of paid staff. An expectation that one emulates or sounds like other church worship teams, not to mention professional musical teams, is not appropriate or healthy. Every congregation will have its own unique group of willing and able musicians. Many will not be very experienced. Some will have great talent. There will be some that are much more experienced than others.

There’s such a great opportunity in the church to educate, disciple, and build up musicians. In my opinion, this is the best place to provide experience and perspective and possibility with our young worship musicians. Not every church will be able to facilitate that the same way. There are definitely ways to do this, regardless of church size and make up.

Certainly, there will be an overflow of opinions and personal preference in general. It can get so sticky. Sometimes it gets political. Sometimes those making decisions are not necessarily the ones that are qualified to make the most beneficial decisions. However, there is a way through this. I believe that with my whole heart. Communication is key. Working as a team is key. Allowing experienced individuals to assist and provide enlightenment is helpful. Ego has no place.

These relationships are important. We must cultivate them…treasure them. We are so easily wounded. So often we are so afraid to express what is in our hearts. Maybe we don’t feel like we should. Maybe we don’t feel like we are qualified. Perhaps we don’t think it matters to anyone. Or sometimes we don’t know how to explain. So we feel trapped. We suppress the hurt. Maybe we flee.

And sometimes when we do speak up, the true intent does not get heard or understood. So often we are poor communicators and bad listeners. I think that is because we are all coming from different perspectives and experiences. It is always easy to make assumptions. The hard thing is having the conversations that we need to have. The hard thing is listening to one another and admitting when we have misunderstood or made the assumptions.

Those of us that serve in church ministry know that mistakes are made. Just because we serve God, love the Lord and desire to give him glory, it doesn’t mean that we don’t fail to respond and act the way that would be the most beneficial to the kingdom of God. We are humans, prone to pride, pain, and prejudice.

Yet God is with us. He is glorious and worthy of our worship. We should not end the efforts even though it gets difficult and messy. It’s going to get messy, and it’s going to get difficult.

If we do not worship, the rocks will cry out. As we gather on a weekly basis, the top priority is that God is glorified. The message of good news should be clear. Prayerful, intentional planning…and quality practice/rehearsal for our worship teams is extremely helpful.

The Holy Spirit will guide us truly. But that does not negate the necessity of good communication, prayerful planning, and quality practice. I truly believe that if we consider all of these things, we will be better teams and develop essential skills for facilitating times of worship to God.

Who else but a messy, diverse collection of church musicians could team up to create such a blessed opportunity to sing out in praise to the most deserving Lord of all.💗💗💗💗

My Dream Catcher

This morning I was thinking about what it’s like when the thing you had dreamed about…but never really could visualize…starts to become reality. The moment it begins to develop, the clamp which was on your heart releases, and suddenly you are walking in the sun. Your heart burns in a different way. Ache shifts into radiance. The building up into this sweet, fruitful garden can produce all kinds of excitement. Suspense, anticipation, dread, and anxiety. Sometimes the goodness can shock us. We may not believe it exists.

Once upon a time I searched and searched for that “thing.” That dream. I poured my life into it. My family walked alongside me also pouring their energy and heart into the journey. And then one day, I knew it was changing. Many lessons learned, many pinnacles reached, many new relationships, but I knew change was inevitable. However, some changes come in unexpected ways.

When I gave God my heart, I do not think I realized following Him meant He would direct my dreams. I hoped He would protect me as He used me for His glory, for sure. I hoped that God would provide. I trusted Him, but I did not comprehend how my trust in God would be so very tested. Sometimes, I wonder if some tests were to train me and prepare me for what lay ahead. Only Yah knows. But other times, those tests were definitely because I did not like the way things were going. There were moments I seriously doubted myself as well as God’s intentions.

When the thing that you love so greatly and had to trust God so greatly to walk into throws a curveball, it shakes you. You wonder if every prayer, every step, every lesson, every ache was all for nothing. You start wondering if your perspective had been skewed all along. Doubt invades and your heart collapses. This dream implosion has happened more than once in my life. However, the relationship God had developed with me proved to be my safety net. He always provided a way through…always a place to peacefully rest and gain my strength again. And I have learned another lesson: God is my dream catcher.

When I was younger I had a pretty dream catcher. It was cool looking, but it was not actually useful. I just liked it as a reminder of the One who really watched over the unconscious stuff that entered my head. I had many horrific dreams as a child…even into adulthood. My mom always came in my room to soothe me when I would awaken upset from nightmares at home. She taught me how to tell the enemy to go away…how to rid the room of anything evil that was trying to torment me. “In Jesus’ name, go away, Satan!” I would speak out loud fiercely while not too loud to waken anyone else. As a child of God, I learned at an early age that power of God. Sometimes I feared the devil more than God, honestly. But when God showed up….every single time….I knew Who was more fear-worthy. God’s presence and authority were overwhelming while also fully peace-giving.

Dream catchers were meant to catch every dream, trapping the bad and harmful ones while filtering the wonderful dreams through the threads so they would slide down the feathers into the sleeper. The bad dreams were destroyed and burned by the daylight. This has been what God has done for me throughout my life: filtering my dreams and helping me rid my life of the ones that were not good. I have been stubborn, though. Sometimes I pursued paths that were not good. However, every time I reached out for my Creator, His hand was already there. He was ready to direct my steps and filter my dreams again.

Obedience can be really difficult. We struggle with it all of our lives. We can even struggle to obey our own desires. The gravity of sin really tries to pull us down and immobilize us. A few years ago, I was walking in a radiant dream, but the path was changing. I knew the dream was being filtered. It was painful. I walked down the hall in my house and heard the Lord say as clearly as the voice of another person, “You must be ready to let it go and walk away.” I fell to the floor and sobbed. I dropped everything I was holding in my hands. For hours afterwards, I convinced myself that it was all in my head. I convinced myself that it would not come to that. Surely now was not the time. But circumstances quickly made it clear that it was the time. God said to go, and I left with peace and pain. Every piece of my heart was caving in. Thankfully, I did not have to walk that path alone. God provided amazing support through incredible people.

Recently, I was watching the new Mighty Ducks Gamechangers, and over and over again, I ended up drenched in tears. You see, Gordon Bombay was once a hockey coach. He resisted the gig at the beginning…back in the original Mighty Ducks movie. He had all the wrong ideas and dreams, but he then realized that coaching was where he shined. It was not an easy path, and there were some tough challenges. But he grew into a great coach. Then in one of his coaching positions, he was looking out for a kid who wanted to be part of the team…and he got fired due to politics. His heart broke. He couldn’t go through it again. The politics destroyed his dream. He shifted gears and owned an ice skating rink. Then a woman with a child came to him needed his rink for hockey. I will not give every part of this show away, but a conversation he had with that woman really hit me hard. She asked him why he hated hockey. He said, no…he LOVES hockey. Do you think he ends up coaching again? I guess we will see….still watching to learn. And that is exactly where I have been.

I LOVE leading worship teams. It is one of the very few positions in my life where I knew I was right where God wanted me. It was a dream I completely fought God on. I kept telling God to catch that one and destroy it, but He continued to filter it through and let my heart begin to find joy in it. Then He told me to step into it when there was a need. Then He carried me through some difficult seasons. Then He told me to let it go. The enemy has worked hard on me. I have second guessed so much. I am still weary. I am still aching from the change. I was so scared to step back into even serving on a worship team. I have prayed so hard about that. Every time I am scheduled, suggest anything, sing, my heart is tugged. God keeps filtering that dream through, but I am so resistant. I am just not sure I can do it again. I am struggling as I pray to know if God is holding me back or if I am letting the enemy crush my spirit. Believe me, I am seeking for God’s best and asking that He open my eyes.

Sunday, God gave me some great peace about where I am, though. In fact, every day this week, something has provided a confirmation that my family and I are exactly where He needs us. I have learned that when I give God my heart, I give Him the authority to move me as He needs. I have often wondered why He allowed my heart to hope in different areas, but I think He is showing me that He does this because some things are not yet decided. I have the freedom to choose…I can resist His direction and His instruction. I can choose to keep my heart cold and locked away so that the tug of God’s pull is muted…but what would I become? Dare to hope…it is definitely a more vulnerable position…but it is not a weak position. When God is the dream catcher, hope is not wasted. When God is my dream catcher, authority is in His powerful control. His filter is perfect and perfectly timed. I am yours, Lord. I am scared, but I am daring to hope again. Guide me as you will.

When the Church Sings

Lately, I have been feeling sad and discouraged about church music. I am just gonna be real with you all. I just wish we could start from the ground up. And honestly, not just with music used in our services. With the way the church gathers and disciples and more. But today I am going to just get raw about music for church gatherings. It feels wrong to remain silent when I see so many congregations and leaders follow other congregations and leaders down the same scary path. At least it is scary to me.

I have been mulling over the words I would share for a long time. Maybe what I am experiencing is mostly an inner crisis. Having been in musical worship leadership for a long time, I must acknowledge that my perspective might lean a good deal from my experiences. I wonder if I am not alone, though. Something just seems broken. I can admit I have definitely been broken over all of this. You may not agree with some of my opinions. I mean, it is okay. If there is anything I have been learning in the middle of this Covid-19 crisis, it is that there are a lot of perspectives and a lot of opinions. We have not all learned the same lessons. Some of us are still in the process of obtaining clarity and finding a way to filter through everything. God wants us to edify one another. Build each other up. Love and give grace.

I don’t have it all down or all figured out. I know I don’t. I am not an expert. I am just sharing what I am learning, some observations, and a bit of my heart with you today. I have not given up hope. I have not lost faith. Some of what I have experienced with the church has likely prompted some of these concerns and feelings about church music culture.  Of course we are all human and fallible. It is not shocking that disagreements and misunderstandings happen.  We all need Jesus.  We all need grace alongside discipline. Legit.

I grew up attending church services and also serving in congregations. Music ministry is deep in my roots. I was either singing or playing piano or both in every church I connected with since I was 3 years old. It has always been a joy to me. I love to praise my Savior through song! This has not changed. I love the Body of Christ. This also has not changed. It has been a comfort, support and encouragement during many poignant times in my life.  The Body of Christ -the church- has played an important role during my restoration and my discipleship. They have helped correct me and helped me seek my Creator. They have reminded me to give God praise through the hard times and mourned with me through the difficult times. God has rescued me time and again. He always sets my path straight and draws me closer to Him, and for this I cannot help but sing praises. Praise the Lord for restoration and His never-ending love that seeks after my heart. I just want to make sure you know I LOVE to make music to the Lord before I go further into my concerns about the direction church music is headed.

You know, there is nothing new with arguments in church music. I had to write a paper on the music used in synagogues for Music History when I was in college. Sometimes the leaders after 70 A.D. thought only one type of song should be sung. They actually decided trained solo voice should be used instead of a group of singers at one point. At one time they even thought women and men should not sing together! Sometimes they used a lot of different instruments. Then they decided to only use one or two. THEN they got rid of all instrumentation and only used voices to glorify God. They even argued about what kinds of songs to use: new vs. old! This happened in the first several centuries after Christ had risen from the dead! I had forgotten about this Music History paper until around a year ago. I read it and just cried.

Why do we spend so much time on what style and what years songs were written? On what instruments are used or how many voices lead? How have we come SO far from the basic and most important reason we gather together? We make music together to glorify God. We take that precious and privileged time to praise our Creator for all He has done and honor Him for His goodness and holiness. As long as the message is true, what does the style and year written matter?

I have heard arguments from extremely opposite positions, but the heart of all still echoes a similiar personal viewpoint. It is what “I think” is most important and what “I think” will benefit the Kingdom the most. I have heard, “we need to keep the older people,” or “we need to get the 18 to 28 year olds.” These express some wrong intentions, but they also express a concern that is growing. The concerns seem valid. Part of the intent seems good. I mean, people care about our elders and people care about our youth/young adults. There is NOTHING wrong with that. But when we prioritize one age group above another, then we create multiple problems. There are all kinds of congregations. Some have a wide range of ages, and some lean more to one or the other. It saddens me to think music is a reason our congregations’ age range varies. This really limits our ability to disciple and reach out to our community.

During the time when I was a worship leader, I felt like I had to defend the music I planned every Sunday. Not just to the congregation but to the leadership. It felt like nothing was good enough. I did my best to ignore the weekly critique and instead just listen to the Spirit when planning the music. I focused on the lyrics and prayed over every song. I realized that I could not satisfy everyone, though. The best thing to do was obey the Lord and turn over the rest to Him, including when leadership requested to cut songs or choose something else.

In addition to all of the music selection challenges, there became so much focus on production. Move people quickly on and off. No silent moments before the sermon or at the end.  Our worship team lost the freedom to repeat choruses or spend time in prayer as the Spirit led because a video started before we even finished a song.  We got rid of music stands so that they would not “get in the way”. It began to feel forced and rigid, though the intention was to be be less distracting and better focused. Instead of being a part of the congregational praise, I began to feel like a robot. It was not that my heart was not fully desiring to praise. All the production just became such a distraction for me.  Mentally, I was spending more time thinking about my next cue than contemplating God’s faithfulness. It all felt like business. The church began to feel like a business.

I have heard it said that whatever you use to draw the people in, you will need to continue doing in order to keep them coming. I think that may be in part why we are in the position we are today with music in churches and the way it is presented/shared. Maybe this is why we keep having to one-up ourselves or other congregations around us in order to retain or gain congregation numbers. I sense SO much competition. Competition breaks my heart. What purpose does this serve the Kingdom of God? How does this show love for one another? As I study my Bible, I learn how God’s people time and time again start with impassioned gratitude and a vision to share His goodness with the world…then end up lost and far from what God intended for them.  I have been there.  I have done that.  Easy to do.  But it is so dangerous. We move forward down this path thinking that we are doing the best thing or the right thing, but end up with a ton of collateral damage. And what have we gained? Was it all worth it? 

  
Yesterday I listened to a training about seeing people as people. It was so wonderful. The statement that stuck with me was this: we should not think about a person as an object. Our view of another should not be what we can get out of a person or what they can do for us. (It should NEVER be about about filling seats or gaining volunteers.) We should care about them. Connect with them. Learn about them. It all starts with relationships.

When we are sharing music with a church congregation, it is no different. We MUST consider all of the people that make up our group. If we want everyone to be able to sing during our congregational worship moments, we are going to have to give ourselves some parameters and establish some reasonable guidelines. The music should be “singable”. The keys used should be where most people can sing semi-comfortably. (There are many voice types, ranges and tessituras, but the majority of people are NOT tenor ranges.) The songs should, for the MOST part, be familiar. They should ALWAYS be scripturally-sound, church edifying, and God-glorifying. This is not about appeasement. It is about love. Showing love as a worship leader for a church congregation. Style just doesn’t really matter. (We are never going to appeal to EVERYone with style, so I find it a moot point.) What year it was written? Nope. Who cares! Want to use a new song? SURE! But space out new songs and repeat them enough so your congregation can LEARN them so that they can sing them together. I learned this the hard way. Again, I am still learning.

I have always enjoyed making music, no matter what format.  Opera, musicals, writing my own songs, choir, jazz ensembles….but my deepest longing has always been to encourage the church and help them see the goodness of God through music.  I love bringing a congregation together.  One of my greatest joys is hearing a congregation’s voices lifted in praise.  I LOVE it!  I was trained to be a performer in college, but God has been training me to be a worshipper all my life.  I love planning and love creating special moments. I LOVE dynamics!!! BUT I love how the Holy Spirit moves most of all.  Truthfully, I am not always brave enough to take His lead since I love planning so much. I tell you this because I want to emphasize again that I don’t have it all down.  I am still learning.  I am still seeking God’s best and God’s plans for me, and I just SO DEEPLY want to be a part of the growth of the Kingdom of God. 

Recently, I have had some time to sit back and experience church services as a congregation member instead of being a part of the leadership.  I have sat week after week on Sunday mornings watching various church services during our stay at home orders.  This is what I find myself screaming:  I DON’T WANT TO BE ENTERTAINED ANYMORE! There was a time where I was part of the “entertainment”. I deeply regret and grieve that.   I know I cannot judge the authenticity of another person’s heart in worship. Goodness, that is between them and God.  So I am not talking about how a person appears.  I have learned that there are so many personalities and ways that people musically worship. Just because a person is not moving while they share a song for the Lord does not mean they are not wholeheartedly feeling the depth or the magnitude of the words. What concerns me most is the presentation. Notice how most live services focus on the musicians. NOT the congregation. The panning and the atmosphere and the stage designs. What purpose does all this serve? What are we saying with all of this?

I have had a few longings over the years I was a worship leader. I wanted to put a sheet up in front of the worship team so they could not be seen in order that the focus was not on the musicians, and instead on the words as the music lifted them up to God. I wanted to have the congregation in a circle with the worship team all around alongside the congregation. Or have the musicians sitting with the congregation however the seats were placed. You see, it just kept feeling like everyone was too focused on the people facilitating the time of musical worship. The platform or stage…I love it. I love performing. But when it comes to leading a congregation to lift their voices in praise….I just wanna stand with the crowd and have nothing in front of me except the glorious shine of Jesus.

 Listen, I understand some of these base intentions for doing what we have been doing. I know we want to try to keep people engaged so that they will learn and grow.  But the Holy Spirit can work in the simplest of situations. I am not saying we should not use orchestras or choirs or bands. NOT AT ALL. What I am asking is this: what is the biggest message we are exuding with the way we worship together? Sometimes I find that there is more room for the Spirit to speak and for people to hear when we give Him the space and the opportunity to speak…instead of us rush from moment to moment to moment. I miss those spontaneous prayers as a congregation. And the testimonies from congregational members during a gathering.  

My heart longs to see a day where it doesn’t matter what instruments or how many instruments are used in corporate worship. When it does not matter how skilled the musicians are or how smoothly a service flows. When we could care less what songs are used or what year they were written or what style is used. When our ONLY focus is to express our deep gratitude and the highest praise for our Living God.  I cannot wait for the day we lift God high and we take time for prayer and we take the time to check in with one another, and that is the reason we gather.  The day we gather not because it is an experience we don’t want to miss, but instead because we need each other and we need to cry out to God together and we itch to give Him praise in unified voice.  (There is nothing wrong with not wanting to miss the experience, but I guess the prioritization?) 

I sense we are in the last days…so the direction we head will matter so much. My heart is burdened. I wish I knew how to proceed. I am CRAVING to worship and praise with a group of believers without any worries or checkboxes to fulfill. I am praying that God would guide my heart right now. Does He want me to do something with all of this? Maybe I am being driven to simply pray. For certainly, our country and our churches need God’s hand to guide us.

How We Commune

Community looks a lot different than it did a year ago. Even than it did 20 years ago. It is not that the base make-up of a community has changed. I think what we consider to be our community has changed. How we connect with one another, how we establish and maintain friendships/relationships, and how we support one another.

In my last blog post, I was working through a massive amount of thoughts on the church. My brain has not stopped pondering these things, so out-pours hopefully a better and more concise blog.

Some of my closest friends live tens to hundreds of miles away. My phone has unlimited minutes, technology where now I can video call pretty much anyone. Groceries and other necessities can be delivered to me. Hot and ready meals of expanding choices delivered within 30 minutes. I don’t have to come in contact with anyone if I do not want to in order to survive. I am living a hermit’s dream. Ha! It is definitely a blessing during this Covid-19 nightmare.

I connect with people through technology. Though some church congregations have starting gathering again, many continue to share services online. It is such a wonderful blessing that we can hear the Word of God this way and also listen to songs sung to God on our various devices. This is for sure something I am extremely grateful to experience and have easy access to. I could connect and establish community with a congregation hundreds of miles away if I so desired.

However, the miles sometimes makes it difficult to get truly close. The people who spend time with me the most see my mistakes more vividly. They experience my heartache, joy and struggles in a way that do not translate very realistically through phone/video calls, texts, or social media posts. Even now I am trying to communicate some things very heavy on my heart, but I just flounder to find the right words. We need community. We can establish the skeleton frames of it through technology and a few visits, but it doesn’t really build a solid foundation.

I keep considering the way our churches function in this current climate. I am sure there are many leaders praying and seeking wisdom for how to proceed. It is a crossroads, I think. We are at a point in time where the direction we head as the church can truly tear us down or build a strong foundation for Kingdom growth. Tugging at my heart continues to be the words “prayer” and “connection”.

How we connect matters. That we make an effort to connect matters. I fail miserably. I do not check in on people enough. I don’t pray specifically enough. I realize that beating myself up about this serves no good purpose, but I just want to acknowledge it and be better about it. It is easy to have the expectation for others to check in. “Well, I am not going to call, it is their turn.” “They are the parent, so they should do the calling.” “They are a leader, it is their responsibility to check on me.” “If they cared about me, they would call.” Have you ever thought those things? Maybe you did and brushed it off or had a change of heart.

The truth is, we are supposed to care for each other. We all have equal responsibilities to connect, care, and pray. There are going to be times in our lives where we are just too exhausted, too drained, or too stressed so it gets put on that back burner. Sometimes we really DO need to allow others to care for us. Sometimes we need to reach out so that others know we need it, though. I have learned the hard way…people canNOT read your minds. Sometimes there is just so much going on in the peoples’ lives that you are close with and they do not see or anticipate your needs. Please, if you need to talk, REACH OUT. I know it can be scary sometimes. I know you may think that someone might not care or might run away if you are honest, but don’t hesitate. Don’t wait until you don’t care anymore. That is a dangerous place. Let someone know you need to talk. That you need prayer.

No matter how community has changed throughout the ages, it has always had such great importance. And church community has Kingdom importance. We should not be establishing a church community to grow in gathering numbers. We should establish a church community to grow in the knowledge, faith and love of God through prayer, discipleship and worship. Yes, we want to share the gospel with everyone that we can. This is supremely important individually and collectively. However, we should not neglect the community while trying to share the good news of Christ. It just creates a flimsy and wayward foundation for all those that are in the community, new and old. We need to be able to withstand the winds of change and the waves of adversity. We need to be able to support one another during difficulty.

So my question right now is how do we establish a strong foundation of church community in this political, social and health crisis climate? My heart keeps saying prayer. Intentional, specific, fervent prayer alongside Bible study in small groups that can commit to safely gathering. Who is with me?

The Establishment

Lots of thoughts today.  I considered splitting this up, but for now will keep together. I know it is long.

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This pandemic has been disheartening for all of us in one way or another, I imagine.  Stay at home orders keeping us mostly stuck at our houses or job locations, loneliness has likely either set in or grown to frightening levels.  The future of community interaction, government control, job security and educational campus learning is very uncertain. However, we are certainly not hopeless or alone.  Most of us, when we get down to the basic foundations of our being, could probably realize we have more in common than ever before. We may be divided on how we think things should be accomplished and WHAT should be accomplished, but we all desire to be satisfied, feel freedom, experience kinship, and fulfill our basic needs.

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I believe Christ is fully God and fully human. I believe in eternity with our Creator. And I also believe in the Bible as truth, wisdom, and prophecy. My heart knows that God is with us, God is working through all this to bring all to the trusting of His heart and following of His way, and that He does all things with loving faithfulness.  I do not view the heartache, violence, and calamity as God’s punishment or ignorance of His creation.  I view it through my own imperfect eyes:  as the groaning of a creation that needs God’s redemption while we continue to fail and fall into the traps of our enemy Satan. God sees every possibility and knows every moment of our past, and He is working through all of the chaotic decisions and consequences to draw all into His arms.  It may seem reckless. It may even seem confusing while heartache and senselessness abound, but God proves time and time again that at the heart of His intention is our ultimate well-being.  We are not alone, though we may feel lonely.

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With in-door church services being canceled for the most part over the last few months, I have watched and experienced many churches pursue ways to reach their congregations and continue to serve their communities with the love of Christ. Over the last couple of years, I have been really contemplating about the church and its purpose from the perspective of a follower of Christ but also as a worship leader.   The craziness going on in the world has fueled a fire in my heart about all of my mullings.  I have thought it better to just keep to myself, until recently.  You may not agree with my perspective, and that is okay.  My goal is to offer perspective, and sometimes we need to consider other perspectives. Especially when so much is on the line.

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What is on the line right now?  Souls.   Bottom line.  How many souls are in this world right now?   How many already have a relationship with Christ?  How many are doubting that relationship right now?   And how many have yet to learn about the possibility or truly consider it a possibility?  Life is but a moment, and though it can seem like an eternity, we have only a few years to make the most of it and serve a purpose.   I believe every life has a purpose and a possibility.  Every soul needs restoration and every soul fills the void of that restoration with something.  Sometimes we even have that restoration in our grasp but do not allow it to fill the void for one reason or another….so yeah. Souls are on the line.

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I have been thinking a lot about the purpose of the church. A lot of us have recently, I think.  The church is given so many encouragements and disciplines in the scriptures, but when it comes down to it’s main purpose, the Great Commission and Greatest Commandment seem to be at the heart.  Matthew 29:19-20 “Go therefore and make disciples of all nations….” and Matthew 22:35-40 “Love the Lord with all you heart, soul and mine and the second Love your neighbor as yourself.”  We are to share about hope through Christ, love God, and love each other while we do the rest.  Easy?  Nope.  Because we all have so many different perspectives, needs, hopes, dreams, aspirations and experiences.  We need that diverse variety, though, so that we can accomplish the great commandment.  Every person on earth is an individual with unique make-up. Scripture even tells as that though we are one body, we have many parts (1 Corinthians 12:12-27.) We each have different purposes for a reason….to create a strong body that can be effective.

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As a worship leader, I heard a lot of grumbling about what I consider “shallow stuff.”   I felt pulled in a hundred directions in regards to technology, methodology, repertory and style.  Shallow stuff.  It became disheartening to so passionately and intentionally create music for congregational worship while the masses would criticize instead of use the musical opportunity to worship our amazing God.  Some days I would just sit and cry to God at a loss for how to proceed.  I prayed for His peace to keep me close to His heart while I planned music, knowing that no matter what I planned, someone was going to be unhappy or unpleasant.

……….

Truly, I could accept that not everyone would be satisfied or pleased. What grieved me the most was that it felt like the church had veered so far away from its purpose with these opportunities.  I mean, we live in a country where we are PRIVILEGED to worship freely, so why would we waste these chances to give glory to God and instead grumble about it? 

……….

Which leads on to my next pondering. What is the purpose of congregational worship?   Sure, songs can be sung to challenge, inspire, share an experience or share a message of victory/hope.   The music does not always need to be congregational.   BUT, when there is a congregational music opportunity, what purpose does it serve?   Of course, it is an opportunity to praise/worship the Lord.  This should go without saying.  As an opportunity for the entire congregation to praise and worship, what should that music be like?  Well, I am not going to get into style, because that is an entire musical theory exposition that I doubt you want to read.  Let’s talk about the main points.   👉Lyrics, Key, & Accessibility.  Those are the 3 main points that  matter the most for congregation singing.  #1 the lyrics should be Biblically supported and church edifying.   #2 the key should be placed in such that the MAJORITY could be able to sing along.  #3 the songs should be easy to sing, easy to learn, or some that likely most of the CONGREGATION are already familiar with.  It is for the congregation to have an opportunity to sing in praise/worship.   If the congregation cannot sing it, what is the point?  Why would we make these opportunities so exclusive, too? I could spend a lot of time on this. Maybe another day….

….

What would inspire you more?

Being in a crowd where everyone around you is passionately working together?

Or being in a crowd where everyone is staring at someone else who is passionately working?

Which would inspire you to join in the work more?

…..

I know I said work instead of sing.  Because I wanted you to step out of musical worship tunnel vision.  It is so easy to get in a pattern of thought or accept/get used to a way of doing things.  Just because “everyone else is doing it that way” does not mean that it is effective. I am gonna be honest with you.  I made a lot mistakes as a worship leader, especially as I was learning the ropes.  Maybe to be expected, but I learned what not to do and what was more effective. I am still in a learning process. I do not have all of the answers or have a solution for every challenge.  But I am open to learning and my end goal is always that when planning music for a congregation, that they can sing it or learn to sing it.  The Lord gave me a part and a purpose in this church and in the kingdom.  He wants me to encourage everyone to rejoice. My heart wants to see EVERYONE lift their voice in gratitude and offer praise to the lover of our souls.  As you can probably tell….I have a lot of thoughts brewing.  They may not all smoothly connect right now.

……..

Some trends I have seen over the last few years in churches is a movement towards attraction-based evangelism with a decline in spiritual discipleship.  I keep seeing this move towards using MOSTLY if not ONLY the attractive people, the best singers/musicians, in our “new and improved” stream-lined performance-based services. So many services feels like a show now.  I totally believe we should give our best to the Lord and prepare/plan so the presentation of the gospel is clear and so the music is effective and not distracting. I get behind that. We want people to be open to the gospel, which IS important. However, it feels like we want people to be captivated or attracted by the people in the ways church services are presented instead of drawn by the Holy Spirit.

……

At times it seems the consequences of how we go about accomplishing that do not matter.  👉When you know who your congregation is and ignore most or all of them to create a captivating experience that is designed to attract mostly one group of people…why?👈And what is the outcome with this?   How is this edifying the CHURCH so that they can be inspired to shine a light about Jesus? How does this create a foundation for the church to utilize mentoring and discipling?   There are ways to effectively plan music for the multiple generations where the majority can sing out.  The end goal must be kept in mind during the planning though. Whenever a church SERVICE is designed to evangelize…with no priority given to disciple and facilitate worship music opportunities for those within the church, the bend tends to lean towards being attractive. (I could truly spend a lot more time on this entire topic, but I will not today.)

………..

So, we have these goals to share about Christ but also to love God and others.  How do we work together the best? How do we accomplish the most?  We need to know our part. We need to have clearly defined roles. We need to know our strengths and feel free to use them. We must have a unified main goal. No ulterior motives. This is a time for revival in our purpose and our passion.  If we believe the lie that things are just going to go back to normal, then we will lose our fuel to prepare and disciple….passing the torch to the next generation so that they are prepared for what is coming.  If we deny what is coming, then we miss out on a huge opportunity. There have already been TOO MANY missed and wasted opportunities within the church.

……..

There is change on the horizon for the church.  It is coming along with the ways policies are changing and our communities are being affected by the virus and other chaotic things.  Caring for one another and edifying one another always matters.

……

My big goals are to bring up my kids to discern truth and love the people around them while serving Christ. And to serve in the Kingdom of God as He guides me to do.  Those are weighty priorities for me.  It has been difficult to be motivated while so disconnected during this pandemic. I know I am not alone.  So many are experiencing it right now.  I doubt we will ever go “back to normal”.   We are moving forward, and the world is changing around us. Our end goals don’t change, but our procedures should.  When considering the goals for the future, I am sure churches are scrambling to keep the pieces together and maintain an effective ministry for each unique community.

……….

When the world is facing so much uncertainty with signs of considerable change on the horizon, why would we put off preparing for this until the change is at our doorstep?  People matter. And yes, people will always find something to complain about. That is life. Sometimes we need to ignore the shallow stuff so we can keep our eyes on the souls in need.  But the church still stands and has GREAT purpose.  So much heartache and so many souls in need of restoration.  Revive our passions, Lord.   Renew our fire.  Restore our hearts.   Redeem our failures.   We are in great need.   The church was established to build up and grow STRONG.  Help us, Lord. Guide us in your ways, O Yahweh.

Much Ado About How

Not too long ago, I watched a video…actually a replay of a live on Facebook…that was intended to educate and edify Color Street stylists.  (Yeah, I am one of those girls that has a side hustle sharing something I love to sell and help support my family.) He got my attention early on when he spoke of a business having his core values: God, family, business…in that order.  So I kept listening, and I am SO glad I did.

One of the women watching commented what I was thinking.  “I feel like I am at church! You could be a preacher!”   He was sharing some truth and some wisdom for our businesses but also for our lives.  He was passionate about it, too!   Here is a summary of what he shared:  When you find something amazing, you want to share it, right?   You don’t want to keep quiet about it.  But in your excitement, don’t overwhelm people by spewing all the information at once.  And in your passion, don’t be pushy.  Don’t nag.  Be relational.  It is all about relationships.   Create relationships with people.  You want to share about that wonderful thing?  Don’t just blast on social media.  Be intentional.   Not devious!  Don’t use ulterior motives.  Be genuinely interested and intentional.   You want to help others see the awesome in what you have discovered?   Do you want to change their lives like yours has been changed?  Connect with them.  If they reach back, then you start the relationship.  The door is opened to begin the conversation about what is changing your life.

WOW.

Now, these were not exactly the words Brian Fryer spoke.  I am summarizing a lot and using more generic terminology…because did you read that the way I heard it?  Doesn’t it sound like how to share the gospel?  Doesn’t that sound like church building?  Not A church BUILDING, but doesn’t that make you think it is wonderful advice on how to make a group GROW? How to “fish for men”?  I mean.  I was floored.   It is so simple.  It is so obvious.

But that is not what being the church feels like sometimes.

I don’t want to be negative or critical.  It is so easy to do.  My hope with this post is that a church member who reads this might be spurned on and inspired to help change the atmosphere. And also to keep myself in check.  Because sometimes it feels like a show.  (Sometimes I create the show.) Sometimes it feels political. (Sometime we make it political.)  Sometimes the intentions are SERIOUSLY great behind what we do as a church or as church leadership.  But sometimes the message and the WHY get buried because the focus gets turned on wants instead of needs.

Like yesterday.  I had a moment.  So, due to this pandemic, our Color Street production is having to work at 50% staff…but also there has been a surge in desire for Color Street…so pretty much all of our product has become out of stock. When Color Street restocks, they all get sold out again within an hour.  I had to purchase a good amount yesterday for my customers, but the website crashed due to the surge in people trying to buy.  I yelled at my phone.  I sobbed for a moment.   Then when the hour was over and I did not get what I hoped, I looked at my kids and apologized for my behavior.  And I then said, “God, forgive me.  It’s just nail polish.   This is not a crisis.”  Thanks for the perspective, Holy Spirit. For realz. Shame on me.

If you have kids, you have likely had the conversations I have had with my kids.  “I need that______.”  to which I respond, “No, you WANT that.”  Needs and wants. We have to learn to differentiate between those early on or we have extra difficulty coping when the wants are not met, right?   I mean, we so easily get acclimated to expecting certain things when we don’t have that “want vs need” perspective to help us cope.  Adults do it too.  Do we NEED cable TV?  NO.  Do we NEED a beach vacation? NO.  Do we NEED that Starbucks drink?  OH my no.   I mean.  We just get accustomed to living a certain way.  Doing things a certain way.  People typically like customs and schedules and traditions (because ultimately it is knit into the creation of the world), so we begin to associate those things we love to do with the things we HAVE to do to have comfort and peace.

But it is not so, right? So much gets passed down.  Expectations especially.  The Word of God reminds us that our expectations and hopes should be in God.  There is a peace and comfort like no other when we find contentment in what God provides for us.

But it can be a challenge to be content while also being productive.  We must drop a lot of expectations.  We have to pinpoint our goals and then shift our perspectives.  It can be so extremely difficult to shift such a long-time organized, practiced and highly regarded organization…and people.  The way we do things, and the way others do things, is not always the best way.  Just because we created these patterns, or just because others seem to be successful or effective with their patterns, does not mean that they are wise or effective.

When it comes down to our WHY for really anything in life, it is about relationships.   Creating, developing, and pursuing relationships.   If we get so distracted by building surface relationships (relations by association or by a following), then we have not really accomplished much. We must stop worrying so much how we LOOK, and be more intentional in the way we RELATE.  Relationships are not easy.   They really can go through some tough times, especially since it is so easy to miscommunicate and forget to communicate.  And because we have a bend towards self-serving.  But we are not hopeless!!!  We are changed by the grace and work of God in our lives.

And truly, I have experienced and seen SO many wonderful relationships within the church.   Generosity and care and compassion and a driving passion to share Christ….and all this comes from the love God has poured out on us.  He is our anchor and our help and our ultimate reason to rejoice!

So I hope if you have read this far, that you are not irritated or confused.  I hope you, like me, are considering how to be a more effective and more relational part of the Kingdom.  There are some great challenges, especially in the world we live in today, but we are not without hope.  We have the ability to relate better, live in contentment while being effectively productive, and also build a community based on relationships and good news-sharing.  We can do it, friends!!!   Let’s be the church!

 

Much Ado About Why

I am a musician:  I love to sing and play the piano.  It is how I express SO much.  It is one way I share the good news of Jesus Christ and it is my favorite form to give praise, worship and glorify the Heavenly Father.  It is a tactic I use to work through frustration and extinguish worry.  It is a tool I use to defeat the lies of the enemy and squash doubts that invade my mind.  Making music, specifically music about or to the Creator of my being, feels like breathing sometimes.   It brings in the good stuff and pushes out the bad stuff.  It is more than an art form to me.

As a musician, I pursue excellence with it.   I am SERIOUSLY not perfect. Yeah, I studied voice and got my degree and took years and years of lessons.  I have practiced my life away and gotten experience in a pretty decent variety of musical styles and settings.  However, I cannot claim to know it all or to have a pristine record of flawless performances. I make mistakes, but my heart pours out every time. Whatever the legacy I leave making music, my highest hope is that it will be clear why I sang, Who held my heart, and that all the glory and honor should go to the Almighty for anything good.

Can I tell you a secret, though?   Well, it won’t be a secret when I publish this.   I care about how I sound.  I care about what you think of me.   I worry about not being good enough.  I cringe and beat myself up when I hit that bad note or choose to do something that was not necessarily the best for the moment.  I care, yes, mostly because I want Jesus to shine so brightly…I don’t want my mess-ups to be distracting.  BUT, I am also a little vain.  I have been a lot vain at times in my life.   There have been days where my focus was so wholely diverted from God’s accolades that shame washes over me when I recall those moments.  Oh dear.   It is easy to lose purpose…easy to slip into practicing envy and self-gratification.

Lately, I have been considering it so much especially with my kids with their level of contentment as they adjust to being homebound and possible upcoming food shortages.  It also has me contemplating how we adults are responding to the current situation at hand: the pandemic that is COVID-19.  It is hard to watch the news or even scroll the Facebook most days.  At the beginning of all this, it seemed we were all scrambling to re-stabilize while protecting people and also accessing the resources we needed.  But as days turned to weeks, that sneaky Keeping Up with the Joneses bug started to infect just as quickly as the Rona.  The ultimate purpose of some of it was really great.  Entertainers desired a way to keep entertaining while staying at home.  News stations needed a way to keep sharing the news while being quarantined. Church congregations desired a way to keep connected with their pastors and Sunday School teachers so the gospel and other Biblical teaching could continue to be shared.  People sought a distraction from the gloom.  The government started updating us daily with how our country would navigate us through and offer assistance.  Then the ugly started showing up.  The greed. The envy.  The boasting. The ulterior motives.  It is a quick, slippery slope from good purpose into (sometimes unintentional) messy messages and negative effects.

People cannot always see the heart.  I am SOOOOOO grateful that God can since He is ultimately the most honorable, just and loving judge.  He knows every intention, and He offers the grace and mercy we so desperately need.  Because we all get lost.  We all stray from time to time.  Sometimes we need a bit of direction, though, just like my kids who can get whiny/angry when they don’t get their way or greedy/envious even though they have so much.

May we continue to find perspective through the lens of God’s Word, Jesus’ sacrifice, and the Holy Spirit’s guidance. May we serve with excellence while we walk humbly and gratefully with our God.  His mercies are new every morning.

 

 

To Dream or Not to Dream

During this time of year, I love watching Hallmark movies. Yeah, they are pretty sappy. Most of the movies have some of the same elements to warm our hearts, dream about Christmas, and maybe reminisce a little. They make me think about my childhood visits to my grandparents’ houses, the smells from all of the baking and cooking for family meals, and how exciting it was to watch the tree come to life with lights and presents. Sometimes these movies make me long to recreate these moments with my kids. Or they make me want to experience a moment that they portray on the screen.

I used to read a lot of romance novels when I was a teenager. Christian romance novels.  I loved to read, and then I started to write my own romance novels. I wrote a few stories and a couple of books. And then after experiencing some pretty gut-wrenching relationship situations, the disappointment colored my world a shade of gray that God would spend years repairing and restoring. I had some unrealistic expectations of my life and of people. I thought that if someone loved me, that they would not hurt me. I was very wrong. I thought that if I loved someone strong enough, that they would not leave me or betray me. I figured if they really loved me, that if they messed up, they would immediately apologize and make it right. That “love” would conquer all. I thought that God would not let my heart be broken.

I was wrong.

God does not leave us in our heartache. We are not alone or left hopeless. And He certainly mended my brokenness. But we being the imperfect, messy, self-serving people that we tend to be, we do not always love. We mistake infatuation and feelings for “love”. We forget that love is an action, not a feeling. We make a lot of mistakes. We don’t always make things right. We do not always forgive or apologize. It does damage. And sometimes life just takes our loved one away. Sometimes it is out of our hands.

When my world turned gray and my expectations were shattered, I realized I had allowed years of dreaming to set a kind of expectation that could never be truly met. In pain and sorrow, I shredded the books and stories that I had written.  I got rid of most of my romance novels. I fell to my knees and asked God to rescue me from my wounded, disappointed state. And He did. It took a lot of time and trust falls with my Creator. But He did.

So today I woke up thinking about the Body of Christ. It does not seem to matter where I serve or fellowship…I find situations that cause my heart to grieve or make me want to just cry. Just like in those “romantic relationships”, I have been let down by people I consider church family. I have been wounded. And I am absolutely sure that I have wounded people myself. I am imperfect! I have clamored to find safety and assurance and warmth within my dream of what the church could be, but unfortunately falls short to attain. And that is sometimes the source of my heartbreak. I was clinging to the wrong hope.  I was putting my trust and my faith in something fallible. Sometimes people are going to retaliate when they feel threatened, sometimes people just have different perspectives and goals, and sometimes they have no idea what their words or actions have caused. But God has been rescuing me from my dreams again. I wish I could just slap a “damaged” sticker on a broken relationship so that it can be sent to the restoration department and just be fixed in 6 to 8 weeks. But in reality, we have to realize that we do not have control. We can do the best we can, pray for wisdom, forgive, and confess our sins, but sometimes things are just not easily mended.

However, I believe with all of my heart that God is a God of healing, restoration, rescuing…and that His very nature being love, He does everything with love. He loves the church. He established the church to be unshakable.  God will never fail us, Church. I believe He is calling us to remove fruitless expectations. To lay down our idols. He is drawing us back to Him as His body. He wants us to remember our callings and obey His Word. He wants us to above ALL love Him and love one another. Sometimes that seems like the most unattainable goal, but Church….it is worth the effort, right? God’s establishment of the church and His call to love one another cannot be fruitless if He is the source and our helper as we attempt it.

This is a dream that I pray is not completely unattainable, a church that exudes love:

*a mess of people that make mistakes but that are ready to forgive

*a lot of hurting people that while clinging to hope through Christ and the Word of God make an effort to gather with one another to pray for each other and to praise our Healer in gratitude for what He has done and will do

*many people that align in faith who desire to work together, fight spiritual wars together, grow together, worship the Lord together, and pray together

*a people that come together, unified in their love for the Lord and their goals as a body of believers

*a multitude of believers that desires for others to know Christ and follow Him so desperately that they seek ways to witness, testify, and disciple outside the walls of our worship centers

*a body of believers that cares so much about each other and our relationships with Christ that no group is intentionally excluded when preparing for our gatherings

*people that love one another in such a way that they do not make decisions intentionally that self-serve, that are transparent with all and care more about the kingdom of God than their reputation or status.

I would be mistaken to think that any one congregation could fulfill all of my church dreams. That there is a group of people out there that will not disappointment me or fail me. But that is okay. I am a part of the church. I am a piece of that puzzle. God knows I need this community but that the community also needs me. I have a position (maybe positions?) in this group of believers that He desires me to fulfill, and so my prayer is that I will walk in His will and serve with gladness wherever He leads. Forgive where forgiveness is needed and confess where confession is necessary.

The Body of Christ is not perfect, but this is the church. It is the people, NOT the building. It is the people NOT the organization. It is the people NOT the presentation. It is the people, NOT the service. It is the people that can make the difference, and also the people that create the mess. It is the people that need the healing and the people that create the hurt.

I long for my children to grow up KNOWING how GREAT our God is, and I want them to DESIRE to find a body of believers to worship, disciple and edify with. They will face disappointment regardless of the path they take in life, but my prayer is that they are rooted and grounded in Christ, and that they find comfort, edification and growth within the body of Christ.

Sometimes it is not whether or not you dream….it is what you dream, and how you process the disappointments that happen.  God is good and with us all along the way.

Peace-makers

My son loves to torture his younger sister.   Everyday.   Sometimes all day.  He finds some kind of strange delight in hearing my daughter squeal in agony.  I have started to become numb to it: the sound of Imogen screaming with Levi in the background yelling out, “I didn’t do anything!”   However, he definitely did do something.   He looked at her the wrong way.   He touched a toy she silently claimed.   He threw her doll into a far corner.  He danced in front of her.  He  sat beside her.  He kissed her cheek.  He ate something she desired.  He tickled her arm.  He became a dinosaur, stomping and roaring towards her face.

Some of these things are certainly innocent or sweet.   Some of them are intentional violations of Imogen’s peace.   Regardless, Levi tortures Imogen.   And I have to step in and become the kindness police and remind Levi that Imogen needs space,

so he has leave her alone…

you know…

show her kindness and respect

….or else.

From time to time, I have to sit down and have a heart to heart with Levi to help him remember that when we love each other, we need to put the other person first.  We need to respect their space and avoid poking the beast.   Sometimes he sits there and genuinely does NOT know what he did to hurt her.   It frustrates him.  It discourages him.  And I have to ask for his forgiveness, because sometimes, her agony really is NOT his fault. Sure, maybe his proximity to her presence was just too close for her desire.  But he did not realize he was bothering her.  Harming her.

Sometimes he really does know better, though.  Sometimes he makes decisions and realizes that they are going to upset the apple cart.  But he is too focused on that goal to consider the repercussions.  He is so determined to make a high-pitched tone force through Imogen’s vocal cords, that he ignores that it is going to cause frustration or harm.  He doesn’t care that it is going to irritate everyone else in the room or make conversation impossible. It is just not on his radar.

I remind him to obey, and he will sometimes say, “wait….what am I supposed to do again?”   He gets distracted.  He gets so consumed with his game goals or his Lego creation plans.  Or maybe he is in pain.  Like yesterday when he tripped and hit his knee on that table.  He was supposed to clean his room…but the pain stopped him in his steps.  And then he forgot what he was told to do.   He forgot to obey.  Did I have mercy on him?  You bet.  I love my son.  But I still need him to clean his room. LOL.  However, it can wait until he has worked through his pain.

Yelling at him to obey.  Shaming him….these things just do not help.  They do more damage. He needs to be treated with the love, mercy, and life-giving direction that God treated us with when He sent His son to pay the price for our disobedience.  Sometimes we need the discipline. For sure.  But sometimes our approach makes all the difference in the world.

I think we do this thing that my son does, though.   We get so wrapped up with our busy everyday activities, or distracted by a sudden life change, or tempted by something that seems more important…or more fun…

…that we forget to reach out to each other. We don’t check in on each other. We do not do the things we are supposed to be doing.  We ignore the Holy Spirit.   We need the Holy Spirit’s prodding.  We need to be reminded of what our purpose is.   We need to be reminded what God has for us to accomplish.

It is so easy to get in a cycle of hurt.   Of course, we want to stop it.  We want to grow deeper.  We want to have restored relationships.  We want to grow the Kingdom of God.  We want to share the good news of Christ and salvation and hope and freedom!  How can we do this successfully though when we are in a cycle of hurt?  How can we work together and be at peace with one another if there is deep damage that needs healing?Can we have some victories?  OF COURSE!   God is greater and bigger than our pain and shame and failings, and He is a master at life-giving!  But if we want to work together and grow together and move forward together…and have flourishing Kingdom building, we must repair the damage. How do we begin?

I can lecture Levi all day on respect and kindness and obedience….and plead for him to give Imogen a break. But he has to have the conviction.  For there to be obedience, there must be repentance.  And before there is true repentance, there must be conviction.

We just are not convicted enough.   I think we ignore it.  Or maybe sometimes we are truly not aware that we are harming someone…..that we are creating an environment of frustration, torture, or pain.  Maybe we are unaware….or maybe we are just numb to it.  Maybe we stopped caring.  Maybe our pain is so great that we cannot see the pain of others around us.   It is not an excuse.   Not one bit.  There is never a moment where we should say, “well, I’m not going to apologize because I was not trying to hurt that person.”

This is something I find I must remind the kids regularly.  Someone gets hurt.   The offender says, “it was an accident!!  I was not trying to hurt him.”   My response, “but just because it was unintentional does not mean you should not apologize.  We should still feel remorse and regret when we hurt people….even if we were not trying to harm.”   It is a lesson I think we have to learn all of our lives.

Forgiveness is not for the benefit of the offender. It is for the freedom of the victim.  That is just one step in the process of restoration and healing.   We can start fresh, sure.  We can remove the people from our lives that hurt us and start over again.  But the new relationships will surely disappoint us too.  I mean….we are broken people.  We are selfish and sinful, and we ALL misunderstand.  We all make assumptions. We are going to offend and be hurt again.  We have to learn to live at peace with one another.    We should not give up loving one another and being peacemakers.  But it is hard sometimes, isn’t it?

Broken relationships burden me.   I keep having to turn it over to God.   I don’t know what to do sometimes.  I go over and over and over situations in my mind and consider what I could have done differently or what I could have not said…or said.   And in the end, sometimes it does not help to rehash.  What I do know?  To be a peace-maker, I must be a peace-lover.  And to establish a culture of peace, I need to ask the Holy Spirit to convict me when I am wrong, so that I can reach out and repent…turn and follow a better path, and start walking in obedience with my Creator and in service to the people around me whom I have been called to love.

It is gonna be a daily battle.  When a group of people get into a cycle of hurt, it may be hard to stop the process.  It may seem impossible or insurmountable.  We may be approaching it all in a selfish manor, or maybe we get to distracted to realize what is happening.  Maybe we are too focused on the end goal to walk through restoration with grace and mercy.  But with God, all things are possible.  Healing, restoration, growth, and victory are His strengths!   Like a pastor said recently, we gotta remember to keep the main thing the main thing.   And when we have disappointment or hurt in a relationship, we need to look at the other person through the lens of God’s eyes.   Pray for them.  Focus on the good points.  Have mercy and give them grace.

I love this Bible study a few ladies and I are doing.  It is soooo good.   And one of the points that stood out to me last night was that God sending Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden was an act of mercy.  He was protecting them from eating from the Tree of Life, after having eaten from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil so that He could protect them from a perpetual state of shame.  Because one day….and He is holding back the end day so that all will have a chance at LIFE…..one day, we will be able to walk with Him in a garden without shame.  And we will be able to live with one another in complete peace and without harming one another.   What a day that will be!!

I love this quote in our study:  Levi Lusko says when God says “Do not”, it means the same thing as “Do not hurt yourself.”  When we disobey God, we are hurting ourselves…probably a lot more than we realize.   And sometimes I wonder….are we struggling so much because we do not realize how much we have been ignoring the convictions of the Holy Spirit?   Are we experiencing so much turmoil because we have not started the process of repentance? So today, I am considering how much I am like my son.  And with a broken heart, I say, “Holy Spirit, convict me where I have harmed.  Help me turn towards the purpose you have for me…and away from destructive choices…so that I can walk in obedience. So that I can love people the way that You love me, and so that I can be a peace-maker.  Grateful for God’s acts of mercy and measures of love in my life.   May I be a light for His Kingdom.

Splinters

Tonight was wild.   I spent over an hour dealing with what I think was a tiny splinter in my son Levi’s thumb.  It was well past bedtime, and both my kids were exhausted, but Levi really wanted me to look at his thumb.  I held out my hand for him to place his in mine, and one slight touch sent Levi jumping and crying.  All I needed to do was get a really good look at his thumb so I could figure out what was really going on.   However, the moment Levi flinched, his younger 2 year old sister reacted strongly.  She cried with a vengeance and stood in front of Levi with her hands up for me to give her attention.  For one moment it would have seemed she had somehow gotten hurt, but she had not.  She was scared for her brother, and her reaction was her pleading with me to stop touching him so he would not be in pain.

I held her and consoled her, but she would not remove her arms from my neck.  She held me SO close, sobbing all the while.  Levi, of course, became more fearful of anyone causing his thumb more pain, so his cries escalated.  I assured both of my kids that I was not going to hurt Levi, and that all I wanted to do was get a good look.  They calmed down enough for me to get a good look.  It looked like there could be a tiny, tiny hair splinter in his thumb, so I brought out the tweezers.   Though I was as calm as could be and tried using my soft, calming voice to assure the kids, it was no consolation.  Both of them screamed as though they were facing the worst danger.   I put the tweezers down and explained to Levi what their purpose was…and tried to help him understand that he would be okay and that he needed to calm down and comfort Imogen so she could also calm down.  I asked him if he trusted me, and he said, “Yes, but I don’t want it to hurt more.”  I just couldn’t do my job between Imogen placing herself in my way and Levi staying as far away as possible.  It took a great deal of patience and effort, but Levi did as I asked and Imogen stopped blocking my view and my hands….and I was able to remove the tiny hairs causing his pain.

My kids are now sleeping, hopefully peacefully, and I find myself thinking about how patient God must be with us.   Sometimes we are hurting so deeply and we really want God to remove the pain and heal us.  However, our fear can get in the way of His work.  Sometimes someone else can be going through pain and our fear for them, even though we trust God, can make us react in hindering ways.  I know I have been there before.  Trusting God is not always easy.  We have to be willing to let Him really work to remove the root of our heartaches…and sometimes that itself can be painful.  In the end, though, the results are far better than if we had avoided Him or tried to prevent His restoration.

I am grateful we have a loving and patient Creator that has our best in mind with His ways.  Learning to trust Him more day by day.

Proverbs 3:5-6

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways, submit to Him and He will make your paths straight.”