During this time of year, I love watching Hallmark movies. Yeah, they are pretty sappy. Most of the movies have some of the same elements to warm our hearts, dream about Christmas, and maybe reminisce a little. They make me think about my childhood visits to my grandparents’ houses, the smells from all of the baking and cooking for family meals, and how exciting it was to watch the tree come to life with lights and presents. Sometimes these movies make me long to recreate these moments with my kids. Or they make me want to experience a moment that they portray on the screen.
I used to read a lot of romance novels when I was a teenager. Christian romance novels. I loved to read, and then I started to write my own romance novels. I wrote a few stories and a couple of books. And then after experiencing some pretty gut-wrenching relationship situations, the disappointment colored my world a shade of gray that God would spend years repairing and restoring. I had some unrealistic expectations of my life and of people. I thought that if someone loved me, that they would not hurt me. I was very wrong. I thought that if I loved someone strong enough, that they would not leave me or betray me. I figured if they really loved me, that if they messed up, they would immediately apologize and make it right. That “love” would conquer all. I thought that God would not let my heart be broken.
I was wrong.
God does not leave us in our heartache. We are not alone or left hopeless. And He certainly mended my brokenness. But we being the imperfect, messy, self-serving people that we tend to be, we do not always love. We mistake infatuation and feelings for “love”. We forget that love is an action, not a feeling. We make a lot of mistakes. We don’t always make things right. We do not always forgive or apologize. It does damage. And sometimes life just takes our loved one away. Sometimes it is out of our hands.
When my world turned gray and my expectations were shattered, I realized I had allowed years of dreaming to set a kind of expectation that could never be truly met. In pain and sorrow, I shredded the books and stories that I had written. I got rid of most of my romance novels. I fell to my knees and asked God to rescue me from my wounded, disappointed state. And He did. It took a lot of time and trust falls with my Creator. But He did.
So today I woke up thinking about the Body of Christ. It does not seem to matter where I serve or fellowship…I find situations that cause my heart to grieve or make me want to just cry. Just like in those “romantic relationships”, I have been let down by people I consider church family. I have been wounded. And I am absolutely sure that I have wounded people myself. I am imperfect! I have clamored to find safety and assurance and warmth within my dream of what the church could be, but unfortunately falls short to attain. And that is sometimes the source of my heartbreak. I was clinging to the wrong hope. I was putting my trust and my faith in something fallible. Sometimes people are going to retaliate when they feel threatened, sometimes people just have different perspectives and goals, and sometimes they have no idea what their words or actions have caused. But God has been rescuing me from my dreams again. I wish I could just slap a “damaged” sticker on a broken relationship so that it can be sent to the restoration department and just be fixed in 6 to 8 weeks. But in reality, we have to realize that we do not have control. We can do the best we can, pray for wisdom, forgive, and confess our sins, but sometimes things are just not easily mended.
However, I believe with all of my heart that God is a God of healing, restoration, rescuing…and that His very nature being love, He does everything with love. He loves the church. He established the church to be unshakable. God will never fail us, Church. I believe He is calling us to remove fruitless expectations. To lay down our idols. He is drawing us back to Him as His body. He wants us to remember our callings and obey His Word. He wants us to above ALL love Him and love one another. Sometimes that seems like the most unattainable goal, but Church….it is worth the effort, right? God’s establishment of the church and His call to love one another cannot be fruitless if He is the source and our helper as we attempt it.
This is a dream that I pray is not completely unattainable, a church that exudes love:
*a mess of people that make mistakes but that are ready to forgive
*a lot of hurting people that while clinging to hope through Christ and the Word of God make an effort to gather with one another to pray for each other and to praise our Healer in gratitude for what He has done and will do
*many people that align in faith who desire to work together, fight spiritual wars together, grow together, worship the Lord together, and pray together
*a people that come together, unified in their love for the Lord and their goals as a body of believers
*a multitude of believers that desires for others to know Christ and follow Him so desperately that they seek ways to witness, testify, and disciple outside the walls of our worship centers
*a body of believers that cares so much about each other and our relationships with Christ that no group is intentionally excluded when preparing for our gatherings
*people that love one another in such a way that they do not make decisions intentionally that self-serve, that are transparent with all and care more about the kingdom of God than their reputation or status.
I would be mistaken to think that any one congregation could fulfill all of my church dreams. That there is a group of people out there that will not disappointment me or fail me. But that is okay. I am a part of the church. I am a piece of that puzzle. God knows I need this community but that the community also needs me. I have a position (maybe positions?) in this group of believers that He desires me to fulfill, and so my prayer is that I will walk in His will and serve with gladness wherever He leads. Forgive where forgiveness is needed and confess where confession is necessary.
The Body of Christ is not perfect, but this is the church. It is the people, NOT the building. It is the people NOT the organization. It is the people NOT the presentation. It is the people, NOT the service. It is the people that can make the difference, and also the people that create the mess. It is the people that need the healing and the people that create the hurt.
I long for my children to grow up KNOWING how GREAT our God is, and I want them to DESIRE to find a body of believers to worship, disciple and edify with. They will face disappointment regardless of the path they take in life, but my prayer is that they are rooted and grounded in Christ, and that they find comfort, edification and growth within the body of Christ.
Sometimes it is not whether or not you dream….it is what you dream, and how you process the disappointments that happen. God is good and with us all along the way.
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